Feeling Needy.

It's been a long time, a really long time.  He's was away, halfway across the country away and halfway across the world away, and I've been at home trying to keep peace with my life.  He's back but he's busy, which I found out yesterday.  I asked him if he was free sometime this week and he told me he wouldn't be at home for about a week and a half.  And I pouted a little.  I don't think I can even call it bratting.  As soon as I responded, I felt silly and stupid, which I told him.  He tells me to always speak freely.  So I told him, I hate being/feeling needy.  I honestly do, and in every other normally circumstance I would've just bit my tongue and waited out the couple days for it to pass.  His response "you feel it, it's there, might as well share."  I almost wish he would've just said "suck it up next time." but I think that's my jadedness talking.

But back to the real story, I'm feeling needy.  I feel like things aren't going right.  I know things aren't bad, they're actually fine.  It's my feelings that are taking flight and it's making me feel real uneasy.

Dark blues.

I'm going through some rough times.  Nothing insane, just a lot of internal, personal things.  It doesn't help that I feel like I don't have much support as I try to work through all of it.  I want to laugh and smile.   And this is why I love my dominant.  I asked for our next thing to be something fun, something that will have me laugh and smile.  And in his fashion, his response was "sure. :)" No other questions, exactly what I needed.  I'm sure he'll push it out of me.

As things get personal with our relationship, it gets harder and harder for me to write about them.  Which is why I haven't been writing as much.  As intense as it was in the beginning, it's just the same now if not more. But I am more invested.  I feel like I have more to lose.

Deep Thought.

This is a pretty vanilla post so if you'd like to skip this one over, feel free. I just need to rant a little. 

Every time one part of my life seems to be going well, another part of my life is shaken. And the only person that can silence all these thoughts in my head is S. We've been together for over a year now, but I'm still afraid to open up part of myself to him. There's a deep part of me that I'm just super scared about. And I'm 100% sure that he's aware because he's very intuitive about these type of things. He reads me like I'm the world easiest children book. It's unnerving because I feel oh so vulnerable that he can do it. I've shown my crazy to him and he openly accepts it but I still can't seem to talk about what's going on in my head. Every time I go to talk to him I get overwhelmed and nothing comes out of my mouth, which also drives me absolutely mad because you'd think that I'd be able to tell him anything. 

I've slept so little after work yesterday and I can't get to sleep because I have racing thoughts going through my head. I had an absolutely wonderful distraction today with my phenomenal friends but it's really these nights that get me.  That's really all I have to say. I'm such a complete mess right now. 

A Punishment.

*I promised myself I'd get this one posted before I go to bed last night but I got way too tired. Hi there, it's been a long while.  I have all these half written posts and I write and then time flows by and I don't get back to writing about my night with S.  So back to my night with S last night. Just a reminder, this is all consensual.  We play safe and with a safeword.  

I walk over to his place, only 2 blocks away and I ring his bell.  He buzzes me in and as I walk up the stairs, I hear the door buzz again.  I finally get to midway of the last set of stairs and I see him standing in the door post.  I walk up and I stand about a foot and a half in front of him.  All I can think of is how sexy he look in his untucked dress shirt. He steps out, whips me around, and puts me face against the wall and my hands above my head on the wall.  My stomach in now in my throat because I don't know what to expect, not to mention we're still in the hallway/staircase. (Good thing he has the floor to himself.)

I hear him unbuckle his belt. And right after I feel it hit my ass.  He continues to belt me and I moan out in pain, and I try not to be loud.  He stops and wraps the belt around my neck.  I LOVE being choked.  I know it's a huge risk, but I really trust S. He does it once then grabs me by the hair and brings me inside. 

He shuts the door and I drop my bag.  I don't even remember how he starts choking me, but he does and as I start to see my vision go a little, he loosens it. "Take a deep breath." I do and he goes back at it.  He asks me "What happened?" and I'm a little confused at what he's asking me so I don't respond.  The choking continues and he says "I've now asked you 6 times. Talk."  He grabs my hair again and brings me into his bedroom.

"I said talk."  I begin to explain why I was overwhelmed.  He throws me into position and he starts strapping me with the belt again. It has been a while since my last hard spanking, I start to really squirm.  I bite down on the towel on his bed because it's a lot to take.  Without even realizing my hand is on my bottom to rub it. And the second I rub I feel the belt snap across my hand. "Move it now." He says firmly.  I pull my hand back and I rub my sore hand.  

He stops and rubs my bottom. I relax a little.  He gives a little pressure and I wince.  He stops and I hear him pick up the belt. He starts strapping me again.  I slowly begin to float into subspace.  It stops hurting until a lick of the belt gets a small part of my back and a screech out in pain.  

"On your knees."
"Yes sir."

I get on my knees and he pulls down his pants and boxers.  I see his beautiful cock and I happily accept him into my mouth.  I give him some wonderful head and as I rub his cock, he touches my face with both of his hands.

"You are a great sub.  A fantastic sub.  But you understand why you are getting punished right?"
"Yes sir."

He slaps me multiple times. I lose track of how many times because I can't bear to keep track and as I'm about to turn away, he stops.  He looks at me and pushes me down onto the floor.  I'm face down on the floor and he lightly kicks my sides.  I just focus on my breathing and moments later, I hear the belt and I feel it hitting my ass.  I almost wish I had taken a video of it, because I completely broke down.  I was legitimately bawling on the floor as I screamed for him to please stop.

"Do you want me to stop?"
"Yes sir."
"I can't hear you,"
"YES SIR."
"Who's in charge here?"
"You are sir."
"If I don't want to stop, am I going to stop?"
"No sir."
"When am I going to stop?"
"When you want to stop, Sir."
"So if I want to continue, will I continue?"
"Yes sir."

After a few more strokes he stops, and I am a mess on the floor.  He lays on top of me as I shake and cry.  He soothes me for a while and my sobs settle down.

This is about an hour after.  Today the redness has gone down, but it is starting to bruise.  Good thing it's now cooler weather and I can wear clothes to cover it up because I have some marks on my legs.

Missing Serving.

I haven't seen S in 5 weeks. We're both swamped. My birthday is coming up, so I asked for a birthday spanking for the next time I see him.  I think he has other plans for my birthday though.  But honestly, all I want is a spanking from him and to serve him.

5 weeks have gone by and it's honestly been rough for me at times.  I let him know every so often and he does try to ease me.  This past week, he asked when I was free and after I responded, he didn't get back to me.  3 days ago, I sent him an email with some feelings and thoughts.  I didn't blog about the one night we had about 2 months ago.  I don't know if I ever will.  But it was a seriously limit pushing night.  And up until the other day, I wasn't over it.  But with some self-realization and a lot of thought put into it, I'm finally okay.  I let him know along with a couple other petulant thoughts I had.  His responded to everything I wrote out, which is unlike him.  He's more of a talker in person than in writing, unlike me.  He, then, ended it with "You are a great sub. Relax." Which puts my mind completely at easy.

In Between

My life, with an addition to a new full-time job, has gotten so extremely busy.  Working nights makes it even harder to do everything I want.  I saw S on 2 Thursday's ago, so here's a recap of our night.

I pick him up from the train station and we are both exhausted.

"I'm so tired, I'm not going to be a great dom tonight."
"That's fine."
"I can lay in bed and you can suck my cock."
"Okay."
"There's a parking spot right there."
"Oh perfect."
"Are you saying I'm perfect?"
"Yeah, sure."
"You're patronizing me."

We walk up into his place and I put my stuff down. He says hi to his fish.  I follow him around his place for a little.  We end up in his bedroom.  He lays down and puts the tv on and I settle down between his legs and start giving him a blow job.  As he grows harder and harder in my mouth, it gets me excited and so wanton. After a short period of time, he asks if I've been sleeping around with anyone lately and I tell him no. I continue to give him great head.

"When did you last touch yourself?"
"The other night."
"What were you thinking about?"
"Getting spanked."
"Take your clothes off. Stand up over there and touch yourself.  Under no circumstances are you to stop."

I stand up and do as he says. He asks if I came when I touched myself the other day.  I tell him that I did.  He has me lay over the side of the bed with my feet on the floor.

"Do not stop touching yourself."
"Yes sir."

He starts spanking me and I don't stop touching myself.  He asks if I want more and I say yes.  He asks with an implement or with his hand and I ask for more of his hand.  He gives me more and stops. I hear him rummaging through his dresser and I hear him rip open a condom.  He positions my hips to where he wants me and he enters me from behind.  I can't stop moaning because it feels completely amazing. Not long after, I ask him if I can come and he allows me to.  He asks if I want more and I say yes.  I feel lube drip onto my asshole and I know he's going to enter my behind.  I brace myself.  He re-positions me and he enters me slowly from behind.  I moan out because it feels so amazing.  He starts pounding me and what feels like moments later I'm begging to come again.  Meanwhile, I haven't stopped touching myself and I feel myself getting even wetter.  I continue begging and he tells me to come, and I come extremely hard.

I lay on the bed for a couple minutes then I excuse myself to the bathroom. When I walk back, I see him touching himself, and I know he wants me to tell him a story.  I brace myself.  I give him a hot story and he comes fast.

He asks if I wanted to spend the night, I think about it for a hot second because we haven't seen each other too often but I made plans for Friday morning and I won't crush plans because of him.  So I told him I wasn't.  He asked me if I was okay to leave.  From the rush of endorphin and the bit or soreness from the rough sex, I tell him I'll stay for a little.  He falls asleep and I end up taking a cat nap.  I give him a kiss good night and I leave a couple hours later.

Surprise Baby.

"Hi there."
"Hi."
"What are you up to? Talk to me."
"I'm hopping on the plane to Vegas with a couple friends."
"Ah, where are you staying?"
"I think Caeser's. Yeah, it's Caeser's.  What are you up to?"
"I just got out of a business meeting.  I'm exhausted.  I just wanted to see how you were and what you were up to."
"Aww, that's sweet.  I'm great, but I gotta get going, the plane's going to take off soon."
"Okay, text me when you get to the hotel."
"I will. Kisses."

15 minutes later, the planes takes off and I swiftly fall asleep.

"Cee, wake up.  We've landed."

I grab my stuff together and think about texting him.  I miss him, he's been away on business for two weeks and it's the first time I've heard his voice in over 5 days.  I love what I have with him, but I hate that sometimes I don't see him for weeks at a time.  As we starting exiting the plan I turn my phone on and text him.

"Miss you sir."

I throw my phone back into my bag and we start walking towards baggage claim.  As we waited for our checked bags, I feel my phone vibrate.

"Miss you to baby.  I know it's been a while, I'll see you soon.  I promise. Oh and don't forget, I'll text me when you get there."

We get all of our bags and we get into a taxi and the drive is only 15 minutes.  We unload and walk through until we reach check-in.  I grab my phone and I text him and tell him we're checking in.

"You're cute as a button."
"Oh stop, you're making me blush."
"No, really, you look cute in what you're wearing."
"Huh?"
"Look over to your 5 o'clock."

I immediate turn around and there he is, smiling and looking gorgeous in a suit.  I drop my stuff and I run over to hug him.

Hurt Me.

I had asked him for a spanking.  And I let him know I was going to be by him and a time frame of when I'd be free.  He told me to text him as I was getting ready to go back home.

"I think I'll be done around 8 tonight."
"That's better.  Would you like me to hurt you?"
"Yes sir. Please."

"Ok."

"I just wrapped up with my friends.  Should I head towards you?"
"Yes come over."

15 minutes later, I ring his bell.

"Make yourself at home.  I'll be busy for a little."

And he buzzes me up.

I peel my jacket and sweater off and plug my phone in.  I lay down on the couch, and I dozed off.  I wake up startled when he called out my name.  He realized that he had just woken me up from sleeping and apologizes for scaring me.  He told me to come to him when I was ready.  I sit dazed for a couple minutes.  I get myself together and walk into his room.

"Are you ready or do you need a couple more minutes?"
"I'm ready."

He spanks me a couple times then he walks over to get his flogger.  He asked if I want to be spanked or flogged.  I, of course, said I want to be spanked.  I'm not sure if he hears me, but he started flogging me.  I thank him for it and he asked how hard it was on a scale of 1-10.  I tell him it was a 4.  He continues, and he starts to come down on me harder. I start squirming, the pain is so bad, but also so good.

"Do you think you can handle 50 spanks?"
"I don't know."
"I want you to count every one of them."
"Yes sir."

I start counting them and compared to the flogger it wasn't bad at all.  They progressively get worse.  By the mid-30's, my ass is aching and it seems like he was going at a super speed.  I don't get a chance to thank him and that was the first comment he made as soon as we got to 50.

"I didn't hear a single thank you for from. I beat you like you ask, and not one for the 50 I just gave you.  If my hand wasn't hurting, I'd give you more with my hand."
"I'm sorry sir.  Thank you sir.  Thank you for spanking me."
"Oh, just you wait..."

He picks the flogger back up and starts flogging my ass with.  Soon, I am floating slowly into a peaceful state of mind.  Then the flogger starts to wrap around to my hip, leaving me with a stinging feeling.  I want him to stop so bad, but I also want him to continue.  With more squirming and me ferociously grabbing onto his pillow and comforter, he stops and asked if I had enough.  I say I wanted more, so he continues even harder with his flogger.

"Would you like more?"
"Yes sir."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Oh you are going to get it."
I heard him walking, so I turned to him.
"Close your eyes."
"Yes sir."

I hear him rummaging through his toy chest.  I don't know what I should be expecting.  He comes back and whacks me right across my entire bottom.

"It's your favorite."
"Ah, nooooo."
"Did I just hear a no?"
"No sir."

He continues paddling me and I started shifting my legs and squirming.  But with one "stop moving/stay still" I do.  The paddle has never been and never will be an implement I enjoy.  I hate that it's thuddy, and the pain is unbearable.  Well at least when he spanks me with it.  I start to tell him that it's too much. He tells me to start begging for him to stop. I start begging and he doesn't let down.  I try to just absorb the pain, but that doesn't last and I start squirming again.

"Ass down."
"Yes sir."

I say as I groan into the pillow and he starts counting down from 10.  But with him it always changes, so I don't know if it'll be 10 more or he's just counting down.  He counts down and I start to tell him that I can't.  He assures me that I can and reaches zero.  Then I feel the cane.  The cane stings and it's sharp.  Many, many strokes later I'm asking myself why I asked for this.  I start begging again.  He continues and I feel that I may actually start crying. He starts counting down again and I know the end is near.  After he reaches zero he gives me a couple more and he stops.

I can feel my bottom throbbing.  I reach and rub.  I'm still bent over on the bed and he comes up behind me and hugs me from behind.  I sink deeper into the bed from the weight of his body.  He bites me and I scream out.

As soon as he bites me a third time, he starts squeezing my ass.  I didn't think anything would hurt worse than the beating I just got, but I feel like I'm going to see stars.  I scream out, and I try to get him to stop.  He tells me that he has to and continues to squeeze.  I still beg him to stop, but he says that I can cry if I need to.  Soon enough he stops and I stay limp on the bed.

"Is that what you needed?"
"Yes sir."
"I haven't beat anyone like that in over 2 years."
He says with a smile in his voice.

This is 2.5 hours after.  I don't really stay red or bruise after long beatings/spankings.  But he did a number on me. There is no doubt that this will bruise.

Actual Life.

After waiting 45 minutes:

"I feel like an idiot waiting outside.  I'm assuming something happened.  I'm going to go home."
"I suck. I fell asleep with my kid. Sooooo sorry."
"It's okay."
"I feel really bad!!!"
"I was more worried something happened to you. I'll see you when you get back."
"You are sweet."
"(: Make it up to me, haha."
":)"

S is so busy.  Like always doing something busy.  I often wonder how he does it all.  I wonder what he gives up to be able to make everything in his life work and how he makes time to see me.  Then again, he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, a luxury he can afford.  Anyway, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  Which is hard because I'm more or less used to seeing him about once a week.  I was suppose to see him Monday, but as you can tell from the conversation above, it totally didn't happen.  At first I didn't know if I should be mad or worried because he doesn't just not answer his phone.  Feeling mad, upset, and worried, I texted him a final time and took the drive back home.  Driving home, the music was blasted but I couldn't help but be upset.  A couple tears slipped my eyes.  I crawled into bed and I tried to take my mind off of it, but nothing was a big enough distraction.  I slammed my computer shut and I tried to sleep.  I heard my phone go off, a short while later.  He texted me and I was flooded with relief that he was indeed okay.  I guess that was how I was feeling.

In any other scenario, I would've just been so mad.  I don't get bailed on, especially with no reason.  He's got me conditioned.  It would make me sick to admit, if I didn't love it so much.  His steady consistency has shown me that he's not going anywhere and that he means what he says, which is so refreshing.

No Control.

Before his palm meets my face, I shut my eyes in anticipation while thinking, 'please, not so hard.'

"Open your eyes and look at me."

I open my eyes and he continues.

"Keep your eyes open when I slap you.  If you close them, I'm going to slap you again."

This is going to be so hard for me.  I try to keep my eyes open.  I see his hand out of the corner of my eye.  Before I know it, he slaps me and asks if I closed my eyes.  I know I did so I tell him I did.  I open my eyes and he goes to slap me again and asks me again.  I'm unsure, so I tell him I closed them.  I don't want to get caught in a lie.  This continues for several more times.  His hand moves again. 

"No, wait..." softly comes out of my mouth.

"What did you just say? No, wait?! Who's in charge here?" 

*slap

"You are sir."
*slap
"Who's in charge?"
"YOU ARE SIR."

Frazzled from all the slaps across my face, I don't know if I shut my eyes again.

"Did you close your eyes?"
"I'm not sure sir."

I say not confidentially, as I slowly look into his eyes.  He gives a slight smile.  He knows that if he goes further he's going to have pushed me to far.

iPhone Cord.

"Get on your hands and knees, ass in the air. Door unlocked/open."
"Yes sir."
"Do you have an iPhone 5 charger?"
"Yes."

As I waited for him, I didn't think anything of the charger.  We have the same phone so I figured he needed to charge his phone. I grew a little nervous and I heard him come into the room.  I wanted to turn around and look at him, but I knew that wasn't a good idea so I stayed put.  I heard him settle in and I felt his cold hands against my warm back, sending chills up my spine.  He gave me a couple spanks and I heard him fidget with my charger. All of a sudden, I felt a sharp snap against my ass.  It felt like the cane so I had assumed that it was a cane.  As he continued, I realized that it wasn't a cane, but my iPhone charger.  And it was wicked.

"Do you want a break or do you want more?"
"More please."

Even as I was crying out because it stung, I couldn't get enough.  Soon after he swung harder and I was begging for him to stop.  He gave me a couple more, and finally stopped.

He plugged in his phone and said...
"Get your head to the edge of the bed."

Pain Scale.

After very long play with S and T, S and I were laying in his bed and I was staring at the toys strewn about on his bed. As S is watching me, I pick up the paddle he has.

"What are you doing?"
"I don't like this."

I say as I lightly toss the paddle back onto his bed.  He laughs at my response.  T walks in and asks what he's laughing at and he does verbatim what I did.  She puts her wine down and climbs into bed with us.  She starts spanking me.

She picks up the paddle, and lightly wacks it across my behind.  I don't even flinch because it's nothing compared to how hard S can bring it across me.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 not hurting to 10 the worst ever, what was that?"
"Hmm, 4."

She continues to bring the paddle on me, and I proceed to tell her what the pain level is.  S takes the paddle from her and spanks me hard with it and I scream out 9.

He turns to her and says...
"If you're going to spank her with that, I just want you to know how it feels.  This is nothing compared to how hard I just hit her."
"OUCH."

She takes the paddle back and says she's going to try and get me to say 10.  S laughs and voices that I won't.

So Good.

Sometimes I don't know what I deserved to actually find S.  It was luck of the draw I suppose.  I've read horror stories on d/s relationships that don't end up so well and I'm so happy to have found someone that matches my needs.  My last post had me a little down because he had been busy and away.  I did end up emailing him last night and he got to me a couple hours later and I felt right back in place.  We've gone longer without seeing each other, so I'm at a loss in why it got to me this time.  Well, to be fair, before I wouldn't have even reached out.  I would have waited until he talked to me.  So I guess it's about baby steps. (:

So Busy

I haven't been busy, but S has been.  He texted me earlier this week and said he felt bad. I told him that it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't.  But right now I miss serving and I'm feeling so stupid.  My mind is going through millions of reasons he doesn't want to see me, which in reality I know that he really is just busy. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

Many Questions.

• 1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? That would be the understatement of the year.
• 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? I probably have because I can't remember who it even was.
• 3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat, duh.
• 4: What’s something you really want right now? Something dirty.
• 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? No.
• 6: Do you like the beach? Love.
• 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes.
• 8: What’s the background on your cell? Jesse Williams.
• 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, mom's, M's and S'.
• 10: Do you like your phone? Yes.
• 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Not exactly, but it's okay.
• 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Hmm, A's.
• 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? poodle.
• 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional.
• 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art.
• 16: Are you tired? nope.
• 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? since birth.
• 18: Are they a relative? yes.
• 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? nope.
• 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? last night.
• 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? sure.
• 22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? most definitely.
• 23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? none.
• 24: Is there a certain quote you live by? not really.
• 25: What’s on your mind? sex.
• 26: Do you have any tattoos? nope.
• 27: What is your favorite color? pink.
• 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? probably when I see S.
• 29: Who are you texting? no one.
• 30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes.
• 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yes.
• 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes.
• 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Maybe.
• 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? I don't think so.
• 35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I wouldn't mind.
• 36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Yes, now that it's coming up... I guess I am but I'm not.
• 37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? More than friends.
• 38: What do your friends call you? For my privacy, I'm skipping this question.
• 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? Yes.
• 40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yes.
• 41: Where’s your last bruise located? Arm, it's now yellow.
• 42: What is it from? bite mark.
• 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? A couple months.
• 44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Mom.
• 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? Vibrams.
• 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No.
• 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Maybe.
• 48: Do you make supper for your family? Sometimes.
• 49: Does your bedroom have a door? Yes.
• 50: Top 3 web-pages? Gmail, Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog. 
• 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Sure.
• 52: Does anything on your body hurt? Nope.
• 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Not really.
• 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Probably water.
• 55: How is your hair? I need a haircut. 
• 56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Pee.
• 57: Do you think two people can last forever? sure.
• 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? Yes.
• 59: Green or purple grapes? purple.
• 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? I don't know.
• 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Yes.
• 62: When will be the next time you text someone? I don't know.
• 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? At dinner.
• 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping.
• 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I didn't.
• 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There's a couple.
• 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? nope.
• 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I don't remember.
• 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Yes.
• 70: How many windows are open on your computer? seven.
• 71: How many fingers do you have? ten.
• 72: What is your ringtone? marimba. 
• 73: How old will you be in 5 months? 23.
• 74: Where is your Mum right now? working.
• 75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Because I'm not.
• 76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Nope.
• 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Most definitely.
• 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? Uh.
• 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Yes.
• 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes.
• 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 2.
• 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Nope.
• 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Maybe.
• 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Something I don't do.
• 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? Depends, but probably.
• 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? Nothing.
• 87: Who was your last received call from? mom.
• 88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? That's mean.
• 89: What is something you wish you had more of? Money, ha!
• 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? Hasn't everybody?
• 91: Do you sleep with your window open? No.
• 92: Do you get along with girls? Sure.
• 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? Nope.
• 94: Does sex mean love? No.
• 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Nope.
• 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? No.
• 97: Did you sleep alone this week? Yes.
• 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? Yes.
• 99: Do you believe in love at first sight? No.
• 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? I have no idea.

Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.

Public Breakdown.

I'm at a party, on my knees, pleasuring someone. He comes behind me, to touch me, more specifically to finger me. I reach back to his wrist, stop what I'm doing, and I say no.  He whispers in my ear.

"You can stop if you want to."

I stop and he pulls me into his arms.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Will you let me know when you do? Something spooked you. Are you sure you don't know what it was?"

I shake my head and he continues to hug me.

"Are you ready to go home?"
"Yes."
"Give me your hand."

I give him my hand and he lets me up.  He leads me back to the entrance and helps me put my sweater and jacket on.  He leads me into the elevator and a couple joins us.

"You can take your blindfold off."

I do and I say hi to the couple I had talked to earlier in the night.  We get off the elevator and the couple walks out.  He turns to talk to me as I take the collar off and put my scarf on.  He asks me what happened tonight.  I look at him and I tell him that I don't know.

"Are you mad that you came?"
"No."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You know that you don't have to do this."
"I know."
"You know that you don't have to go on Monday."
"I want to go."
"Slut."

I smile because I do want to play on Monday.  He goes to pull on my hair and it makes me so wanton.  He asks if I want more and I say that I do.  He pulls harder than he's ever pulled before.  I try to follow him up and I end up on my tippy toes.  He touches my face. I don't see it coming, but he slaps me hard.  When he does, all I could think was, someone walking by is going to see because we were a few steps from the door, which was just glass.  He continues to slap me and I start to make a face, trying hard not to breakdown.

"Let it go. You're going to anyway. Just do it."

A couple slaps later, I break, almost falling to the ground.  He tells me to stay standing. I hold onto him as a cry.

"You know that I'm always going to be able to make you cry." he says.  I don't respond and he asks me if this is what I needed, and I nod as he wipes tears from my face.

Frustrated Rant.

As great as my bdsm/spanking life has been, the other half hasn't been all that great.

My rant is starting with my other half.  It's so frustrating to have graduated college, in a field that is suppose to be booming.  The fact that I only have a part-time job is slowly killing me right now.  I try so hard not to get discouraged by all the people that I knew in college who are working in the field that I should be working in too.  I would never wish them to not be working, but I can't help but wonder when my time will come.  I've honestly been patience enough.

And now, I'll segue back to my bdsm/spanking half.  The three people who know me most know this very part about me.  It was hard taking that initial step and letting it out.  But it's out now and they know what I do with S.  I want to call it a relief, but it's not that easy.  They are non-judging and happy that I'm happy.  The rest of my friends know I'm seeing someone and that we have fun.  Out of those three people, my best friend is also happy that I'm happy but also less supportive than I thought she would be.  I know it's an adjustment because I never given another person as much thought and effort as I have with S.  And I feel as if it's effecting our friendship.  There are a couple other factors, but this is the main one.  It's also hard wanting to talk to her about S and feeling that she doesn't want to actually hear it.  I've asked her if she doesn't want me to talk about him, and she says she doesn't mind, but I don't know if she's trying to appease me.

I'm so comfortable with who I am and what I do.  I didn't think I'd get to this point, or rather I didn't think I'd get here so soon.  As I read things online, I feel so lucky to have found someone who is respectable and knows what he is doing.  Since the beginning of my blogging journey, my needs and wants have shifted.  S could have easily fit my needs/wants then as well as he could fit them now.  Although, I'm not sure if he would've responded to my initial needs.  Anyway, I'm happy with where I am in this area of my life.  And really I can't ask for more.

Holiday Party

Last Saturday, I went to my annual Christmas party with my friends.  A week after I RSVP'd, S had asked me to keep the same day open.  Later, I asked him what his plans were and he said that we were going to a party, which is a story for a different time.  It was a huge conflict for me to choose him over the people I have in my life daily.  I chose him.  I let my friend know that I'd be either leaving her party early or I'd be coming late.  After I got more details, I let her know that I'd be leaving early.  The day of, S let me know that he would be picking me up at her house rather than have me come meet up with him.  My friends know that I'm seeing someone, but most don't know the nature of our relationship because it's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  By the way I'm dressed they all know I'm leaving, and they're all curious because they know that it was him.  At that point, I had no intentions of bringing him into the house.  A couple hours into the party, he texts me and tells me that he's outside.  I say my goodbyes and people are ready to go outside to take a look at him.  I know he's around the corner so I grab stuff from my car and walk over to his.  I make a comment to him about my friends being interested in him and he asks me if I want him to come inside for a minute.  I think about it for a second, at that moment I decided why not.  I place my stuff in his car and he puts the car in park, turns it off and we walk back to her house so I can introduce him to all my friends.

This has to be the single most outgoing things I've done in a long time.  The relationship I have with S was confined to the four walls of his place until now.  I'm not the type to bring anyone around, much less a person I'm doing d/s with.  Last Saturday is the day that I decided that I'm more invested in this relationship than I thought I would be.  It now really matters to me.  Before S was just someone I was doing d/s with.  Now he is the dom that I am loyal to.  I realize that I cannot have 2 d/s relationships, even though before I thought that I could. I trust him to take me to places I'd never be able to go by myself.