Feeling Needy.

It's been a long time, a really long time.  He's was away, halfway across the country away and halfway across the world away, and I've been at home trying to keep peace with my life.  He's back but he's busy, which I found out yesterday.  I asked him if he was free sometime this week and he told me he wouldn't be at home for about a week and a half.  And I pouted a little.  I don't think I can even call it bratting.  As soon as I responded, I felt silly and stupid, which I told him.  He tells me to always speak freely.  So I told him, I hate being/feeling needy.  I honestly do, and in every other normally circumstance I would've just bit my tongue and waited out the couple days for it to pass.  His response "you feel it, it's there, might as well share."  I almost wish he would've just said "suck it up next time." but I think that's my jadedness talking.

But back to the real story, I'm feeling needy.  I feel like things aren't going right.  I know things aren't bad, they're actually fine.  It's my feelings that are taking flight and it's making me feel real uneasy.

Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.

Public Breakdown.

I'm at a party, on my knees, pleasuring someone. He comes behind me, to touch me, more specifically to finger me. I reach back to his wrist, stop what I'm doing, and I say no.  He whispers in my ear.

"You can stop if you want to."

I stop and he pulls me into his arms.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Will you let me know when you do? Something spooked you. Are you sure you don't know what it was?"

I shake my head and he continues to hug me.

"Are you ready to go home?"
"Yes."
"Give me your hand."

I give him my hand and he lets me up.  He leads me back to the entrance and helps me put my sweater and jacket on.  He leads me into the elevator and a couple joins us.

"You can take your blindfold off."

I do and I say hi to the couple I had talked to earlier in the night.  We get off the elevator and the couple walks out.  He turns to talk to me as I take the collar off and put my scarf on.  He asks me what happened tonight.  I look at him and I tell him that I don't know.

"Are you mad that you came?"
"No."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You know that you don't have to do this."
"I know."
"You know that you don't have to go on Monday."
"I want to go."
"Slut."

I smile because I do want to play on Monday.  He goes to pull on my hair and it makes me so wanton.  He asks if I want more and I say that I do.  He pulls harder than he's ever pulled before.  I try to follow him up and I end up on my tippy toes.  He touches my face. I don't see it coming, but he slaps me hard.  When he does, all I could think was, someone walking by is going to see because we were a few steps from the door, which was just glass.  He continues to slap me and I start to make a face, trying hard not to breakdown.

"Let it go. You're going to anyway. Just do it."

A couple slaps later, I break, almost falling to the ground.  He tells me to stay standing. I hold onto him as a cry.

"You know that I'm always going to be able to make you cry." he says.  I don't respond and he asks me if this is what I needed, and I nod as he wipes tears from my face.

Rushing Endorphins.

As I knelt in front of him, he asked

"What do you want?"
"To not think."

He kicks me down the to floor.  I'm surprised, because it wasn't what I was expecting.  I'm facing away from him so all I can here is him shuffling around.  All I feel next is his belt across my bottom.  He hits me a couple more times and I scream out.

"Sir, it hurts..."
"You said you didn't want to think."

He continues beating me.  I contemplate throwing my hands back to cover myself, but I know better.  So I just lay on the floor and squirm.  Trying to block out the pain I hold onto my hands.  He stops, lays on top of me and starts biting by back. I bite myself hard in two places to try and get my concentration elsewhere but it doesn't work. I scream out, before I know it I'm saying no.

"Did I just hear a 'no' come out of your mouth?"

He get back to beating with his belt.  I scream out and after a couple more whacks, I don't feel anything anymore.  He continues to belt me and I'm silent and numb.  Then all of a sudden, I feel the bite of the belt on the side of my leg and it wakes me up. I moan out again.

"Do you want a break or more?"
"More please."

He grabs the paddle and tells me that he will stop when I ask him to stop.  He continues to spank me with the paddle. After a while passes, I start begging him to stop.  He does.

First Drop.

We've been in this relationship for just over 3 months and it's my very first time feeling this way. I don't know if this is what sub drop is exactly about, but I think this is it.  I feel sick, needy, tired, and so unsure of how to feel about the session last night.  I just want to crawl up into a ball and throw a blanket over my head, which is probably what I'm going to do.

Last night, I was so happy and so fine. But it was much different than it had been before.  And of course, I choose to pick the hardest communication line with him when I should be using a more direct line of communication because I don't know how to explain myself. Not to mention he has a lot on his plate, but he did manage to get back to me not to long ago. Even when I am so unsure, I don't get how his response grounds me so much.  I guess that's why I've stuck with him.

I've made plans with my best friend to try to help with the drop because she is the person I want to be with when I want to be alone.  She is my rock.  So, eating yummy things and hanging out with the one person who knows the ins and outs of me should help me ease this.

-edit-
I'm still feeling pretty lousy, but he has reassured me several times this morning with texts.
It makes me feel loads better.  I guess time needs to pass.

Clammy Clamps.

Disclaimer: This post contains contents that are sexually graphic/degrading in nature. If it isn't your cup of tea, please skip. Thanks.

Part I

I know I said that I would expand on the events of my first meeting but it's now a week later and the events of 2 Friday's ago has very much blurred into a memory that I cannot tell straight.  But I did see S this afternoon.  He had been away and I will be away until Thursday, so earlier this afternoon is when we met.

Over our correspondence, I had asked him to help me stop texting while I drive.  I had done it twice since I asked him and he said that I would be punished for doing so.  With knowing that I'm getting punished for texting, I texted one more time.  At the time, I didn't even think twice about doing it because it had just been a habit of mine but a while later, I had realized and my line of thought was 'I already did it twice, one more time isn't a big deal.' Boy was I wrong.

I got to S' place on time and waited for him to get me at the door.  I played some music to help me level out.  He got me at the door and asked:

"Are you excited?"
"I'm nervous."
"Are you at least kind of excited?"
"Uh, I'm a little nervous."

We got into his place and he told me to put my stuff down.  He had me come into the room and asked if I wanted to be there, which I replied, yes I want to be here. We were standing and he gave me a hug and started spanking me over my pants. He kept going, and I started to squirm.
                
"What are you forgetting?"
"Uhmm... Owwww..."
"What are you forgetting?"
"Uhmm..."
"I'm going to keep going until you remember."
"Oh, thank you Sir."
"Good girl."

He looked at me, and told me it was time for my punishment.  He asked me if I had texted any more after I had told him that I had.  I told him I had, and his eyes grew bigger.

"Take off your clothes and get into position."

Run Down.

It's late, and I have to be up early to make it to a show with an old friend.  I'm actually glad that I'm busy tomorrow, because if I wasn't I'm sure I'd sulk around my house all day.  It's not very common, but I'm just having a difficult past couple days.  Honestly, I wish I had someone who could spank it out of me. I guess I need to get out there more often.

This Moment.

I don't know where this post is coming from or where it is leading but bear with me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel.  I choose to be the uncertainty that I fear the most.  I am asking myself what I want.  I know I am a responsible person who will inevitably make the right decision because it is the adult thing to do.  And at times I HATE that about myself.  I wonder where the carefree person that I used to be went.   The best part is, I don't even have real responsibilities yet.  I'm frustrated.  I don't even know how to express it.

I have always know the next step to take.  After high school, it was clearly going to college.  But now college is done, where do I go from here?  Previously, it was getting a job, living my life, finding a man, getting my masters, getting married, and probably having kids.  But does it happen that way. Probably not.  Life cannot be planned out, it happens as it pleases.  Like I always say, shit happens then you die.

And now, where does all this spanking stuff come into play? I don't have a freaking clue.  I haven't talked to B in a while, maybe talking to him will help.  Being older than me, he must have some experience in this area.  He kind of mentioned it the last time I saw him.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing or really what I'm talking about, it is much to late to be coherently writing. Which means that I'm off to bed.  Good night.