Pain Scale.

After very long play with S and T, S and I were laying in his bed and I was staring at the toys strewn about on his bed. As S is watching me, I pick up the paddle he has.

"What are you doing?"
"I don't like this."

I say as I lightly toss the paddle back onto his bed.  He laughs at my response.  T walks in and asks what he's laughing at and he does verbatim what I did.  She puts her wine down and climbs into bed with us.  She starts spanking me.

She picks up the paddle, and lightly wacks it across my behind.  I don't even flinch because it's nothing compared to how hard S can bring it across me.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 not hurting to 10 the worst ever, what was that?"
"Hmm, 4."

She continues to bring the paddle on me, and I proceed to tell her what the pain level is.  S takes the paddle from her and spanks me hard with it and I scream out 9.

He turns to her and says...
"If you're going to spank her with that, I just want you to know how it feels.  This is nothing compared to how hard I just hit her."
"OUCH."

She takes the paddle back and says she's going to try and get me to say 10.  S laughs and voices that I won't.

So Good.

Sometimes I don't know what I deserved to actually find S.  It was luck of the draw I suppose.  I've read horror stories on d/s relationships that don't end up so well and I'm so happy to have found someone that matches my needs.  My last post had me a little down because he had been busy and away.  I did end up emailing him last night and he got to me a couple hours later and I felt right back in place.  We've gone longer without seeing each other, so I'm at a loss in why it got to me this time.  Well, to be fair, before I wouldn't have even reached out.  I would have waited until he talked to me.  So I guess it's about baby steps. (:

So Busy

I haven't been busy, but S has been.  He texted me earlier this week and said he felt bad. I told him that it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't.  But right now I miss serving and I'm feeling so stupid.  My mind is going through millions of reasons he doesn't want to see me, which in reality I know that he really is just busy. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

Many Questions.

• 1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? That would be the understatement of the year.
• 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? I probably have because I can't remember who it even was.
• 3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat, duh.
• 4: What’s something you really want right now? Something dirty.
• 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? No.
• 6: Do you like the beach? Love.
• 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes.
• 8: What’s the background on your cell? Jesse Williams.
• 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, mom's, M's and S'.
• 10: Do you like your phone? Yes.
• 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? Not exactly, but it's okay.
• 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Hmm, A's.
• 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? poodle.
• 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional.
• 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art.
• 16: Are you tired? nope.
• 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? since birth.
• 18: Are they a relative? yes.
• 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? nope.
• 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? last night.
• 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? sure.
• 22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? most definitely.
• 23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? none.
• 24: Is there a certain quote you live by? not really.
• 25: What’s on your mind? sex.
• 26: Do you have any tattoos? nope.
• 27: What is your favorite color? pink.
• 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? probably when I see S.
• 29: Who are you texting? no one.
• 30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes.
• 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yes.
• 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes.
• 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Maybe.
• 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? I don't think so.
• 35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? I wouldn't mind.
• 36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Yes, now that it's coming up... I guess I am but I'm not.
• 37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? More than friends.
• 38: What do your friends call you? For my privacy, I'm skipping this question.
• 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? Yes.
• 40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yes.
• 41: Where’s your last bruise located? Arm, it's now yellow.
• 42: What is it from? bite mark.
• 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? A couple months.
• 44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Mom.
• 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? Vibrams.
• 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No.
• 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Maybe.
• 48: Do you make supper for your family? Sometimes.
• 49: Does your bedroom have a door? Yes.
• 50: Top 3 web-pages? Gmail, Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog. 
• 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Sure.
• 52: Does anything on your body hurt? Nope.
• 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Not really.
• 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Probably water.
• 55: How is your hair? I need a haircut. 
• 56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Pee.
• 57: Do you think two people can last forever? sure.
• 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? Yes.
• 59: Green or purple grapes? purple.
• 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? I don't know.
• 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Yes.
• 62: When will be the next time you text someone? I don't know.
• 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? At dinner.
• 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping.
• 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I didn't.
• 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There's a couple.
• 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? nope.
• 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I don't remember.
• 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Yes.
• 70: How many windows are open on your computer? seven.
• 71: How many fingers do you have? ten.
• 72: What is your ringtone? marimba. 
• 73: How old will you be in 5 months? 23.
• 74: Where is your Mum right now? working.
• 75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Because I'm not.
• 76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Nope.
• 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Most definitely.
• 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? Uh.
• 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Yes.
• 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes.
• 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 2.
• 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Nope.
• 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Maybe.
• 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Something I don't do.
• 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? Depends, but probably.
• 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? Nothing.
• 87: Who was your last received call from? mom.
• 88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? That's mean.
• 89: What is something you wish you had more of? Money, ha!
• 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? Hasn't everybody?
• 91: Do you sleep with your window open? No.
• 92: Do you get along with girls? Sure.
• 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? Nope.
• 94: Does sex mean love? No.
• 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Nope.
• 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? No.
• 97: Did you sleep alone this week? Yes.
• 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? Yes.
• 99: Do you believe in love at first sight? No.
• 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? I have no idea.

Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.

Public Breakdown.

I'm at a party, on my knees, pleasuring someone. He comes behind me, to touch me, more specifically to finger me. I reach back to his wrist, stop what I'm doing, and I say no.  He whispers in my ear.

"You can stop if you want to."

I stop and he pulls me into his arms.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Will you let me know when you do? Something spooked you. Are you sure you don't know what it was?"

I shake my head and he continues to hug me.

"Are you ready to go home?"
"Yes."
"Give me your hand."

I give him my hand and he lets me up.  He leads me back to the entrance and helps me put my sweater and jacket on.  He leads me into the elevator and a couple joins us.

"You can take your blindfold off."

I do and I say hi to the couple I had talked to earlier in the night.  We get off the elevator and the couple walks out.  He turns to talk to me as I take the collar off and put my scarf on.  He asks me what happened tonight.  I look at him and I tell him that I don't know.

"Are you mad that you came?"
"No."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You know that you don't have to do this."
"I know."
"You know that you don't have to go on Monday."
"I want to go."
"Slut."

I smile because I do want to play on Monday.  He goes to pull on my hair and it makes me so wanton.  He asks if I want more and I say that I do.  He pulls harder than he's ever pulled before.  I try to follow him up and I end up on my tippy toes.  He touches my face. I don't see it coming, but he slaps me hard.  When he does, all I could think was, someone walking by is going to see because we were a few steps from the door, which was just glass.  He continues to slap me and I start to make a face, trying hard not to breakdown.

"Let it go. You're going to anyway. Just do it."

A couple slaps later, I break, almost falling to the ground.  He tells me to stay standing. I hold onto him as a cry.

"You know that I'm always going to be able to make you cry." he says.  I don't respond and he asks me if this is what I needed, and I nod as he wipes tears from my face.