Deep Thought.

This is a pretty vanilla post so if you'd like to skip this one over, feel free. I just need to rant a little. 

Every time one part of my life seems to be going well, another part of my life is shaken. And the only person that can silence all these thoughts in my head is S. We've been together for over a year now, but I'm still afraid to open up part of myself to him. There's a deep part of me that I'm just super scared about. And I'm 100% sure that he's aware because he's very intuitive about these type of things. He reads me like I'm the world easiest children book. It's unnerving because I feel oh so vulnerable that he can do it. I've shown my crazy to him and he openly accepts it but I still can't seem to talk about what's going on in my head. Every time I go to talk to him I get overwhelmed and nothing comes out of my mouth, which also drives me absolutely mad because you'd think that I'd be able to tell him anything. 

I've slept so little after work yesterday and I can't get to sleep because I have racing thoughts going through my head. I had an absolutely wonderful distraction today with my phenomenal friends but it's really these nights that get me.  That's really all I have to say. I'm such a complete mess right now. 

Holiday Party

Last Saturday, I went to my annual Christmas party with my friends.  A week after I RSVP'd, S had asked me to keep the same day open.  Later, I asked him what his plans were and he said that we were going to a party, which is a story for a different time.  It was a huge conflict for me to choose him over the people I have in my life daily.  I chose him.  I let my friend know that I'd be either leaving her party early or I'd be coming late.  After I got more details, I let her know that I'd be leaving early.  The day of, S let me know that he would be picking me up at her house rather than have me come meet up with him.  My friends know that I'm seeing someone, but most don't know the nature of our relationship because it's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  By the way I'm dressed they all know I'm leaving, and they're all curious because they know that it was him.  At that point, I had no intentions of bringing him into the house.  A couple hours into the party, he texts me and tells me that he's outside.  I say my goodbyes and people are ready to go outside to take a look at him.  I know he's around the corner so I grab stuff from my car and walk over to his.  I make a comment to him about my friends being interested in him and he asks me if I want him to come inside for a minute.  I think about it for a second, at that moment I decided why not.  I place my stuff in his car and he puts the car in park, turns it off and we walk back to her house so I can introduce him to all my friends.

This has to be the single most outgoing things I've done in a long time.  The relationship I have with S was confined to the four walls of his place until now.  I'm not the type to bring anyone around, much less a person I'm doing d/s with.  Last Saturday is the day that I decided that I'm more invested in this relationship than I thought I would be.  It now really matters to me.  Before S was just someone I was doing d/s with.  Now he is the dom that I am loyal to.  I realize that I cannot have 2 d/s relationships, even though before I thought that I could. I trust him to take me to places I'd never be able to go by myself.