Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.