Currently Unattached.

Every time I have been asked about what I want, I freeze.  Even if I knew what I wanted, I've never been good at asking for what I want.  Even if it's a simple question like "What do you want for your birthday?"

I now know what I want and I'm more than willing to ask for what I want.  I'm not with anyone right now, meaning in a relationship.  I've recently realized that I want to be with someone, particularly in a long term relationship. (I can't believe I just said that.)  I consider myself independent.  I am more than capable of making my own decisions.  But you're asking where spanking come into play, right?  There's this minuscule part of me that just wants to be told what to do, and when to do it.  Well, really for the less important decision of my life.  God, I sound like a contradiction.

I've come up with 5 general things that I'm looking for.

1. Respect: I may be sassy. I may disagree with you. But I'll respect you.  I ask for the same.
2. Trustworthy: I'm trusting you with my safety, please respect my limits.
3. Consistent: Always follow through please.  I can't say I'll always be well-behaved, but isn't this the reason we both agreed to this? (:
4. Honesty: The truth is easy.  Lying may be easier, but getting caught up in a lie never works out for the better.
5. Time: Life happens.  Wake up and good night texts everyday, unnecessary.  Seeing you everyday, probably impossible.  But seeing you once a month, with a text not even once a week, unacceptable. Let's compromise somewhere in between please.

For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.

Very Confused.

I've been away, I took my boards and passed. And I'm onto finding a job, which has proved to be very difficult. =/ Anyway, because of my boards, some volunteering, and a short vacation, I've been away for most of August. This is not the why I am confused, it's just a mere explanation of where I've been for a month.

What does have me confused is the message I got on Tuesday morning from B.  I was away on vacation with a few of my closest friends and it was around 12pm when I checked my messages, and there it was and I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I'm confused because about a month ago when I was on that hiatus, was the last time I did talk to B and we left it at being super busy and him seeing someone.  But the second I saw the message I knew that it was him but I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  I responded and it's been back and forth since. At first I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  He now knows that I know it is him and he knows that it is me. But there were a lot of reindeer games figuring it out. (And I still have no idea if he knew it was me in the beginning.) And I have no idea where it's going from here.  We left it at friends way before, but the initial message from Tuesday morning, has got me confused.  I don't want to delve into it though.  But I can tell you, I'm thoroughly confused and nerve-wracked.

Tequila Mockingbird.

Oh my God, I have a killer headache.  I open my eyes and I realize that I didn't make it home. Ugh crap, I'm in his bed.  Speaking of, where is he?  And how much did I actually drink last night?  I guess a lot if I don't remember how I ended up here. Shit. I had a tab running, did I even get my credit card back?  I see my purse so I grab it and I rummage through it for my wallet.  I find my wallet and my credit card is there, thank God.

I walk into his bathroom and I realize that I'm not wearing what I wore last night.  I'm in one of his shirts.  I sheepishly smile.  Mhmm, it smells like him. Where are my clothes anyway?  Last night is such a blur.

I hear keys jingle, and the lock click.  He's back.

I squeeze some toothpaste on his toothbrush, stick it in my mouth and brush my teeth.  By the time I finish brushing my teeth, he's standing at the doorway of the bathroom, looking at me.

"Good afternoon, my little lush." He says, while we move back to his bedroom.

I blush. "It's already the afternoon? Oh boy."

"Oh boy is right.  It is the afternoon.  Do you remember anything from last night?"  He asks.

This Moment.

I don't know where this post is coming from or where it is leading but bear with me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel.  I choose to be the uncertainty that I fear the most.  I am asking myself what I want.  I know I am a responsible person who will inevitably make the right decision because it is the adult thing to do.  And at times I HATE that about myself.  I wonder where the carefree person that I used to be went.   The best part is, I don't even have real responsibilities yet.  I'm frustrated.  I don't even know how to express it.

I have always know the next step to take.  After high school, it was clearly going to college.  But now college is done, where do I go from here?  Previously, it was getting a job, living my life, finding a man, getting my masters, getting married, and probably having kids.  But does it happen that way. Probably not.  Life cannot be planned out, it happens as it pleases.  Like I always say, shit happens then you die.

And now, where does all this spanking stuff come into play? I don't have a freaking clue.  I haven't talked to B in a while, maybe talking to him will help.  Being older than me, he must have some experience in this area.  He kind of mentioned it the last time I saw him.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing or really what I'm talking about, it is much to late to be coherently writing. Which means that I'm off to bed.  Good night.

Late Night.

It's midnight and he just left and I miss him.  He has to get up early for a business meeting tomorrow.  I told him to go home, so he wouldn't get stuck in the awful traffic into the city in the morning.  I wish he didn't have such a early meeting, I'm not working tomorrow and I want to just snuggle with him.

I think back on tonight and it was great.

He came over with Thai and we ate.  After we turned the tv on and we sat on the couch.  I got sucked into the tv and time came for the commercials, I turned to him and he was just looking at me.

I furrow my eyebrows and say "What?"
"Nothing, you're beautiful." He says, and I blush.
He leans in to kiss me and I let him.  At the same time he turns the tv off.
"Very smooth, sir."
"Sir?" He says, sounding surprised. 
"Yes, Sir."
"Oh, you want to play?"
I smirked and he knew my answer. 

I know I told him that I'm fine and he should go home, he was wary and gave me that I-don't-believe-you look.  But he went because I practically pushed him out the door.  And now, I'm feeling very lonely and vulnerable.  Maybe I'll call him...

As I pick up my phone to call him, he calls me.

I answer, "Hey."

"Hey.  I just got home.  I wanted to let you know and I wanted to know if you're okay.  How are you right now?" He says, sounding concerned.

"I'm okay." I give a short reply.

"Hmm, babe, are you telling me what I want to hear or how you really feel?"  He questions my reply.

I sigh. "I'm telling you what you want to hear, okay? I was okay when you left and I didn't want you to drive so early tomorrow to beat the traffic.  I thought I'd be fine.  But I really would like to be cuddling with you... I'm coming down hard.  I just needed to hear your voice and I was about to call when you did.  Since I talked to you, I'll be fine." I say as tear well up in my eyes.

"No, it's not okay.  You're upset.  I hear it in your voice.  Which means you're not fine.  I shouldn't have left after that long session."  He says.

As I hold back my tears, I manage to say. "I am, but I'll be okay.  It's late and you have to get up early. I'm gunna go.  G'night."

He barely gets in a good night, and I hang up.  A second later the waterworks start.  I lay on my bed and form a circle of pillows around me, burying my face into a pillow.  A while later, as my tears and sobs subside, my phone vibrates.

It takes me a couple minutes but I open my text and it's from him. "I'm outside.  Buzz me in."  I'm dazed and confused.  I can't be reading this right.  It's 2 in the morning, he can't be standing outside right now.  I stand up and look outside and he's standing there waiting for me.  I buzz him in.

He knocks and I get up to open the door.  My hair is a mess and I have a tear-streaked face, I can't believe I'm answering the door for him right now.  As soon as I open the door, he hugs me and the tears start to fall again.

I try to say "Why are you here? You have work in a couple of hours." but I'm not to sure he understood between the hiccups and crying.

"I knew you would be like this.  I shouldn't have left."  He whispers in my ear as he's hugging me.  "Besides, it's a video conference.  So I brought my laptop so I can do the meeting here and I'll spend the rest of the day with you."

I look at him and think "What did I do to deserve such a good man?"  Instead I say, "You can't just not go to work because of me.  You have a job to do. I don't even know why you came.  I said I would be fine.  You never listen to me."  He looks surprised.  To be fair I'm surprised I said that, maybe something is eating at me.

"Actually I can do what I want, I do not answer to you.  Plus I have 3 weeks of PTO accrued.  I could have cancelled my meeting too but I didn't because it was a headache to find a time that worked for all of us.  And you do know why I came, you're a wreck and you can't deny it.  So I am choosing to be with you tomorrow, whether you like it or not."  He says calmly.

Tears start to fall again and he wipes them away with his thumbs.  I manage to say "I'm sorry, thanks for coming."

"I know." he says "Now, it's late, let's go to bed."

We lay down and I cuddle up against him and within minutes I fall asleep.

So Sore.

I have to say, the only time I've been this sore is my freshman year in high school after my first ski trip.  It was the first and only time I skied.  My legs were so sore I didn't want to sit down, even to pee.  That's exactly how I feel right now.  I laid in bed today until 2pm.  And when I got up, oh my dear Lord, it was a struggle.  I had to pee, and sitting down on the toilet was a struggle.  Every time I sit it's a struggle.

The reason for my soreness, my personal trainer. HA.  Yes, I voluntarily did this yesterday.  And I even went to the gym today.  It's like unheard of for me.  My sessions are working for me.  I think I'm going to get some more. (:

Wide Awake.

I came clean to my best friend, M.  Well not really came clean but I talked to her about B.

All the other stuff is just to personal for me to talk about.  I mean she won't judge me, but I can't bring myself to talk about it with her.  Not yet at least.  I'll probably get there, eventually.

I told her that I meet B online, which I did.  I told her how old he is, 11 years my senior.  That I've been to his place.  How I felt uncomfortable because he paid for my meals even though I know I can pay for myself.  I might have been a couple drinks deep when I initiated conversation with M but she is my best friend and I need her on board.  Well at least that I'm talking to/seeing B.

She had a couple questions and I answered them honestly.  She did say that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, but she's my best friend I can't not answer her questions. I don't know how much she'll remember in the morning because we were having this conversation at 3 am in front of a McDonald's in the city then again at 5:30am.  But I said we would talk about it over breakfast in the morning.

I can't grasp how she took all of it though.  I asked her a couple times and she said that she was happy for me.  And that she just wants me to be happy.  But I can't help but feel that she's holding something back.  To top it off, I feel kind of really guilty that I didn't tell her sooner.  It's been about 6 weeks since I've first talked to him and I've meet with B for the first time about a month ago. Argh, it's all a huge mind fuck right now.  I can't even seem to fall asleep.  I guess I'll wait a couple hours and see where our conversation goes.

Personal Trainer.

I've been a member at my gym for 6 months now.  Lately, due to my lack of motivation, I've only been going like once a week.  So, I've been thinking of getting a personal trainer because I do want to lose some weight and get in better shape.

After seeing B last Saturday, I decided on getting personal trainer.  My gym offers them in sessions so I bought 3 sessions, you know to try it out.

I had my first session today at noon.  Before I went this morning, I was clearly having issues.  I woke up startled at 7:19 this morning thinking I missed my session.  Clearly I have nightmares about missing appointments aka I have issues.

Anyway, the session was 50 minutes.  My trainer isn't crazy into working out, thank God.  He did have toe shoes on and that made me like him infinitely more because not many people like toe shoes and I love them. Plus I was wearing them because they're awesome.  I digress.

By the last rep on one of the weight machines, I thought I was dying a little.  My arms were literally shaking.  I'm so pathetic.  Plus I have no upper body strength, which really doesn't help.  We finished with stretches and I scheduled my next appointment for Monday.

Maybe something good is coming out of all of this.  Who would've thought? (;

Defying Him.

Ugh, I think I'm going to be late. I hope that I'm not because I was late last time and he said that there was going to be consequences the next time I am late.  I look at my watch and I have 10 minutes to get to his place. I'm not going to make it.  I can't even text him because my phone died and I don't have my car charger with me.

I drive fast, way over the speed limit and I make it to his house in record time. 15 minutes.  But it's street cleaning day and I can't find a damn parking space.  I search for 10 minutes and I find one down the block.

I ring his bell and he buzzes me in.  I walk up the 3 flights of stairs to his apartment and knock.  He yells "It's open."

I go inside.  He's sitting on the couch, watching tv.  As I go to sit next to him, I say "Babe, I'm so sorry I'm late. I got caught up reading and I left late.  I meant to text you but I didn't charge my phone last night and it died."

"Hmm, excuses excuses." He replies.

"They're not excuses.  I just wanted to let you know what happened." I say in return.

As he stands up, he says "Right."  I can't tell if he's upset with me.  Then he asks as he walks over to the kitchen "Do you want spaghetti or penne with your chicken parm?"

I respond, "Penne, please. I'm starving.  It smells so good.  Thanks for cooking." and I give him a sheepish smile.

"Did you eat today?"  He asks.  And suddenly I freeze because I know he's not going to be happy with my answer.

"Yes, I did eat."

"Hmm, can I ask what you ate today?" He questions me.

I want to say no, but I know better.  "Well, I got up late so I had a banana, and a couple hours later I had a couple bites of ice cream.  Oh and I drank some water and Powerade...I wanted to eat with you and not ruin my appetite..."

"None of that counts as actually eating.  Well, the banana counts.  But it is 6pm and you've eaten practically nothing.  I've asked you several times to eat better." He sighs and sounds disappointed.

"I know. It's just that I woke up late today. I swear."  I quietly whisper.

"So you're giving me more excuses.  First it's excuses about your tardiness and now it's about your eating.  And to top it off, I've spoken to you several times about both and you said you would correct your behavior."

There's a lump in my throat because I know he's disappointed in me.  The lateness I take full responsibility of but the eating, sometimes I can't help it.  I guess I should tell him that.  "Babe, I take full responsibility for being late and I apologize for making excuses about both."

"After we finish eating, you're going to stand in the corner of my bedroom and wait for me to clean up."

I have no choice but to agree.  So I nod.  We eat dinner in silence.  I'm not hungry anymore, but I know that I have to eat, so I finish.  I stand up and I walk to his bedroom and stand in the corner.

15 minutes later, even though it felt like an eternity, he comes in and tells me to come to him by the bed.  I obey and he bares my bottom and pulls over his lap and I see the dreaded hairbrush on his nightstand.  I cringe at the thought of it.  I hate the brush.  Before he starts, or even says a word, I have tears running down my face.

Beautiful Weather.

Today's weather was absolutely beautiful: no humidity, sunny, and warm.  I wish the weather was like that all day, every day.  I spend majority of my afternoon with B at the park.

We walked around, picked a spot to lay, and talked.  I don't understand why I become so incredibly shy when I am talking face to face with someone.  But we did talk and I'm glad we did because it cleared up a lot of things for me.

A little later, we got up and got food and a drink.  He proceeded to pay, but I didn't feel as uncomfortable because I payed for snacks/lunch/whatever it was.  We could have had one more drink, but the AC in the bar was unbearably cold so we headed out.

He had plans for the night and I had tentative plans for a couple hours later in the city, so he asked if I wanted to stay for a little at his place.  I agreed.  We walked to his place because I have a thing about taxis, which he made fun of, and the weather was nice so it was worth it.

We got to his place, it was as nice as the last time I saw it.  There was a sign at the front saying "All guests must be announced" and I said that to B and his response was "You're not a guest."

B offered me a drink, but I declined and opted for water.  I sat down on the single couch and we talked for a little.  Then out of no where (well not really out of no where) he said I was going to be spanked for my recent non-productivity and my negativity.

I froze a bit. I didn't think for a second that he would have a legit reason to spank me.  But he pulled me right over his lap and started spanking me.  Of course I squirm right away and soon enough my hands/arms are pinned because they find their way to my bottom and my shorts and panties are lowered.

I struggle some more and he pulled me up to get something.  While he's away, I'm tempted to pull my panties and shorts up, but I know it'll be worse if I do so I don't and quietly wait. B came back with a paddle and he told me to stand and put my hands on the couch. I said I don't want to, and he gave me this piercing look and said "I'm going to add 1 stroke for every 10 seconds you don't get up."  After I heard that I got up and asked him where he wanted me.  I got in position, and he said he's giving me 10 strokes.  I said I don't want 10 and he asked if I wanted 20 so I shut my mouth.

The first stroke hit with a loud crack and my hands flew right back to rub my sore bottom.  He said to move my hand I didn't because it hurt and he said he's going to add one stroke.  I didn't believe him and he most certainly did.  I got 14 strokes. 10 plus 1 for my hands and 3 for trying not to get just 10.  Next time I'll just keep my mouth shut.  (For the last three, that I was refusing, he threatened to get the cane, and that really shut me up.)

After he finished, he rubbed my bottom and asked if I was okay.  I didn't answer him, actually I don't think I talked for a couple minutes and he got a little concerned.  And really asked me if I was okay.  I stood up, rubbing my bottom, and he asked if I needed a hug.  I said no and sat down on the couch.

He kept looking at me.  And I started laughing because I couldn't believe what I had just done and why I had to do it.  B proceeded to look concerned and asked me what was going on.  I think he's exact words were "I'd like to know what's going on inside your head."

And for the first time, in a very long time, I opened up to someone brand new.  And there was something about it that was so liberating.

At the end of today, I'm really glad that I'm friends with B.  I hope it stays that way.

He Knows.

It's 6 pm and I just got home from work.  Work wasn't bad and nothing had happened to make the day particularly bad. So I lie down and start to think.  I ask myself "Why am I feeling so overwhelmed?"  Fifteen minutes pass and I hear the front door open and close.

"Hey, I'm home." He calls out.  He starts walking towards the bedroom.

I don't answer because I'm in no mood to talk to anyone, let alone someone who'll know something's up just by the sound of my voice. Then I pull the covers over my head to hide and retreat to my cocoon of blankets.  He's in the room, I hear him taking off his belt and it falls to the floor along with his pants.  I lie still, trying to convince myself that maybe he won't know I'm lying there if I don't move.  But who am I kidding, of course he knows.

He pulls the covers.  My face is deep in a pillow and I don't look but I feel him looking at me.  "Are you really sleeping or are you ignoring me?" He rhetorically asks.  I move my face from the pillow to look at him.

The second he see my face, he know.  "Oh babe, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, it's just been a long day." I reply and bury my face back in my pillow.

"I know it's not nothing. Talk to me." He says.

Why won't he just leave me alone?  In a moment of frustration, I yell "THERE IS NOTHING TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT."

As he picks up the belt from the floor he says "Well, I don't know what you're upset about but I will not tolerate you yelling at me because you're in a foul mood.  Get out of bed and lay over the edge of the bed."

In defiance, I don't move.  He's the one that pushed my buttons, why does he get to spank me over it.  I'm not getting up, I don't want this spanking.

"Young lady, you have until the count of three to do as I say before it gets infinitely worse."  He says in a serious voice. "One... Two..."

I stand up.  I give him the I-hate-you-right-now look and I bend over on the side of the bed. "You're treating me like a child." I mumble.

"I'll stop treating you like a child, when you stop acting like a child.  You could have just talked to me, but you didn't." He replies softly and pulls down my pants and panties.

I know I was wrong to yell.  Now on top of feeling overwhelmed, I feel sorry for yelling and taking it out on him.  That was wrong of me to do.  As I'm feeling sorry for myself, *CRACK* the belt land right across my full bottom.  13 more strokes without a warm-up, my bottom is on fire.  The 15th stroke hits my sit spot and I unleash the tears that I didn't know were coming.  5 more strokes, I'm sobbing and he stops.

I can't bring myself to talk because I'm crying so hard.  He pulls me onto the bed and holds me, whispering in my ear "Shhh, it's okay. Just cry it out."  I don't want to look at him because after all that bratting, he's being so understanding.  But he leans down, looks me in the eye, and kisses me on the forehead.  Letting me know that he's there.

Inside Look.

B asked me at our first meeting if I learned anything and I chose not to answer because I wasn't sure.  He didn't push it.  I wish I had the answer when he asked, but I didn't.  Days have now passed and I know what I've learned that night.

I think of myself as a confidant person, well on most days anyway.  But that Saturday night I learned how self-conscious I can be.  I have never realized that before.  I'm sure every girl gets self-conscious and as much as I tell myself that I'm pretty different than a typical girl, I guess I'm really not.  I just like to fool myself into thinking things.

This all started to dawn on me during my commute back home, very early Sunday morning.  And I've been left to ponder about it since.  I've been asking myself questions since that night.  It has been such a long time since I've questioned myself.

The frightening part of all of this is that I don't know where to find my answers.  I want to be comforted, and reassured that what I want to figure out will come to me.  But I don't know if anyone can do that for me, if I'm willing to let anyone in to do that for me.  This is so very difficult.

First Encounter.

Last Saturday, I met up with B, who I've been talking to for a few weeks now.

Saturday morning, well really afternoon because I woke up around 2pm, I sat around second guessing my decision to meet B.  I couldn't tell if I really wasn't feeling well or if it was just butterflies.  But I chalked it up to the latter and I gave myself a pep talk, got myself ready, and left in a timely fashion to meet B in time. I didn't know what to expect.

I get into the city, and I realize that I'm about 30 minutes early.  Not wanting to sit at the bar by myself (because at that point I didn't know if I was going to get stood up), I head into Starbucks to get a drink and to use the bathroom and yet after I'm done, I still have 20 minutes to kill so I walk around for a while.  I get a text 10 minutes before we're suppose to meet and B says he'll be there in 10-15 minutes. 

I start heading to our meeting point and I get there in 10 minutes.  I sit down on a bench across the street because my gut tells me that he's not there yet and I still don't want to be sitting at the bar by myself.  I turn on my iPod to listen to a song to soothe me, and I see someone that looks like B (we exchanged pictures) walk into the bar and I decide to cross the street, while simultaneously getting a text from B that he was there.

We meet inside, we hug.  The whole time I was walking up to him I wonder if it's appropriate to just shake hands  Everyone who really knows me, knows that I'm not a hugger.  But since I knew it might be more appropriate to hug, I didn't jump out of my skin.

The bar was so cute.  I would totally go again.  I spoke to someone who goes frequently and he said that it was really quiet for a Saturday night.  B and I talked, ate, drank, and had dessert.  The check comes and he gives the waiter his card.  I guess that's what men do, but I barely know him and I did not think this was a date so I get uncomfortable and I offer to pay half.  He politely declines my offer and says I can pay for our next drink.

We leave and find a place for our drinks.  We order our first round and he opens the tab on his card again.  And in a instant, I'm uncomfortable again. Almost pouting because I'm so uncomfortable.  We get another drink and start talking about spanking.  He asks me if talking about spanking is making me uncomfortable.  I say no and I tell him that I'm more uncomfortable with him paying for everything and he claims "I'm too slow" and that it's really okay because I had to make the commute into the city.  We close the tab after our third drink, a tequila shot. My favorite. (:

We get outside, and I'm 5 drinks deep and I admit I'm little tipsy.  We start walking and I ask where we're going.  He says we can go back to his place and he can show me the spectacular view he has from his rooftop or he can walk me to my subway station.  Even with an hour and a half commute back home, I might not be okay to drive.  I choose to go back to his place.

We get to his place, and I'm instantaneously jealous of where he lives but I know that I can't afford it, well at least right now I can't.  He offers me a beer or a water, I chose the latter.  He smiles and says that's a good choice because I'm clearly drunk and I laugh it off and say "I'm only a little tipsy." 

B and I get to his rooftop and that jealously from before, comes back full force.  The view is breathtaking.  And I tell him that I would kill to live here.  We talk for a while and I'm tempted to sit on the ledge and B literally holds me down, even though I promise not to do it.  We talk some more and decide it's time to head back down to his apartment.

I use the bathroom and he asks me if I want more water.  I say yes and he asks if I care if it's tap and I say no.  He gives me a bottle anyway.  He goes to use the bathroom and I sit on the couch and pick up a book he has on his coffee table.  He comes out and sits down and asks me what I want to do.  I get up to check the time on my phone, and I realize I haven't checked my phone all night.  It's late, and it'll take me at least 2 and a half hours to actually get home now.  So I don't know what to do.

All of a sudden, B is hugging me from behind and I almost jump out of my skin.  Like I said, I'm not a hugger.  And he asks if I wanted to get started on "fixing my laziness" because that had been a reoccurring topic of the night.  

I ask myself if I'm okay for this.  If I'm going to regret it in the morning.  If I'm sober enough for this.  I decide that I'll be fine and I consent to the spanking.  The second I consent, I'm a nervous nelly.  I tell B I'm nervous and he teases me, telling me that I'm a nervous person in general, while referring back to some comments that I made earlier in the night that makes him right.

He pulls me over his lap and starts spanking me.  I try my best to not swing my hands back to rub and cover  my bottom, but it doesn't last long and before I know it my hands are back there and then B's restraining them so he can continue to spank me.  I struggle because I want to rub and cover my bottom but my hands a restrained by him.  

He tells me I have a spankable butt.  My first spanker told me the same exact thing.  So my response was "What the hell does that mean?"  B had an explanation, but I can't remember exactly.  It was something about being firm but jiggling. I don't know.  Then his fingers work some magic on me.  I face him and I say to him "I haven't even kissed you yet." And he replies with "You can kiss me anytime."

He tells me that he has something I'll enjoy.  I ask him what it is and he says a paddle.  And I tell him that I hate the paddle.  B then asks me if I was lying when I said that I had only been spanked once, and I say no, I was spanked with a belt and a paddle my first time.  But only a couple times, just so I knew what it felt like.  He says this is different and tells me to get up so he can get it.

I hear him rummaging around to get it and I'm nervous again.  He comes back with it and asks if I'm ready, I immediately say no, but he's not having it and he pulls me over.  And starts spanking me with a leather paddle.  Which I have to admit is so much better than a wooden paddle, but I guess that's a given.  

I squirm, he rubs my bottom, and he spanks me more with his hand.  I go to reach and he says that if I touch my bottom, he's going to start with the paddle again and that holds me off for a little, but I can't hold off long enough.  He starts with the leather paddle again, and I'm immediately regretting putting my hands back there.  

I ask if I can rub and he says no.  I'm ready to beg if  I can rub at this point and he still says no, but he does stop spanking me and he says "I'll rub for you."  I ask again, and he says no again, but at that point my hands were already on my bottom and I was rubbing.  He asks if me rubbing my own bottom makes it feel better.  And I reply with a yes.

I face him and I'm literally laughing because I cannot believe I just did all of that and he's smiling at me.  I ask him what he's smiling about and he asks me what I'm smiling about.  Then he comes down to kiss me, and before he can I blurt out that I'm a bad kisser.  He snickers and says he's never heard anyone say they think they're a bad kisser and kisses me anyway.  After, he says I'm not so bad, but I don't believe him.  I also tell him that he's much cuter in person.

The spanking has wound down and he's rubbing my bottom and legs and he says that he can tell that I'm a runner.  He asks me if I learned anything tonight, and I don't answer him.  He turns to look at the time and it's almost an hour later.  B asks if I want to go home because he doesn't feel to comfortable letting me go home so late.  But I know I have to go home and he says he'll walk me to my subway station. 

He walks to the bathroom and I fix my dress and put my underwear back on.  He comes out of the bathroom and hugs me again from the back, making me almost jump out of my skin again and holds me for a couple seconds, while I'm frozen because I'm uncomfortable.

He walks me to my subway station.  I hug him because it's the thing to do, and he gives me a kiss on the cheek and I head home.