Only One.

My pride gets in the way of seeing him. There are two things he wants me to do if I see him. The first is hard, the second is to beg.  You'd think after being his sub and all, it would be easy to beg for something like that. I told him it makes me feel like an idiot. But if anyone can make me do something I don't want to do without forcing me to, it's him. So I beg, get desperate, and he soaks it up and makes time for me. From how crazy I get over not seeing him, you'd think I'd learn my lesson.

It'll be 2 years at the end of this summer. That's a really long time for me. Our relationship is non-monogamous.  The other day I started wondering if he had another submissive under his wing. It's not against anything we've talked about, I just never really thought about it or bothered to ask him about it. But I did today. And his response was some of the girls he sees are submissive but not his submissive. And the age old question, "Why?" I said I was just wondering, but I was a little surprised because I honestly thought he would have someone else.

Feeling Needy.

It's been a long time, a really long time.  He's was away, halfway across the country away and halfway across the world away, and I've been at home trying to keep peace with my life.  He's back but he's busy, which I found out yesterday.  I asked him if he was free sometime this week and he told me he wouldn't be at home for about a week and a half.  And I pouted a little.  I don't think I can even call it bratting.  As soon as I responded, I felt silly and stupid, which I told him.  He tells me to always speak freely.  So I told him, I hate being/feeling needy.  I honestly do, and in every other normally circumstance I would've just bit my tongue and waited out the couple days for it to pass.  His response "you feel it, it's there, might as well share."  I almost wish he would've just said "suck it up next time." but I think that's my jadedness talking.

But back to the real story, I'm feeling needy.  I feel like things aren't going right.  I know things aren't bad, they're actually fine.  It's my feelings that are taking flight and it's making me feel real uneasy.

Actual Life.

After waiting 45 minutes:

"I feel like an idiot waiting outside.  I'm assuming something happened.  I'm going to go home."
"I suck. I fell asleep with my kid. Sooooo sorry."
"It's okay."
"I feel really bad!!!"
"I was more worried something happened to you. I'll see you when you get back."
"You are sweet."
"(: Make it up to me, haha."
":)"

S is so busy.  Like always doing something busy.  I often wonder how he does it all.  I wonder what he gives up to be able to make everything in his life work and how he makes time to see me.  Then again, he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, a luxury he can afford.  Anyway, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  Which is hard because I'm more or less used to seeing him about once a week.  I was suppose to see him Monday, but as you can tell from the conversation above, it totally didn't happen.  At first I didn't know if I should be mad or worried because he doesn't just not answer his phone.  Feeling mad, upset, and worried, I texted him a final time and took the drive back home.  Driving home, the music was blasted but I couldn't help but be upset.  A couple tears slipped my eyes.  I crawled into bed and I tried to take my mind off of it, but nothing was a big enough distraction.  I slammed my computer shut and I tried to sleep.  I heard my phone go off, a short while later.  He texted me and I was flooded with relief that he was indeed okay.  I guess that was how I was feeling.

In any other scenario, I would've just been so mad.  I don't get bailed on, especially with no reason.  He's got me conditioned.  It would make me sick to admit, if I didn't love it so much.  His steady consistency has shown me that he's not going anywhere and that he means what he says, which is so refreshing.

So Busy

I haven't been busy, but S has been.  He texted me earlier this week and said he felt bad. I told him that it wasn't a big deal because it wasn't.  But right now I miss serving and I'm feeling so stupid.  My mind is going through millions of reasons he doesn't want to see me, which in reality I know that he really is just busy. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.

Holiday Party

Last Saturday, I went to my annual Christmas party with my friends.  A week after I RSVP'd, S had asked me to keep the same day open.  Later, I asked him what his plans were and he said that we were going to a party, which is a story for a different time.  It was a huge conflict for me to choose him over the people I have in my life daily.  I chose him.  I let my friend know that I'd be either leaving her party early or I'd be coming late.  After I got more details, I let her know that I'd be leaving early.  The day of, S let me know that he would be picking me up at her house rather than have me come meet up with him.  My friends know that I'm seeing someone, but most don't know the nature of our relationship because it's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  By the way I'm dressed they all know I'm leaving, and they're all curious because they know that it was him.  At that point, I had no intentions of bringing him into the house.  A couple hours into the party, he texts me and tells me that he's outside.  I say my goodbyes and people are ready to go outside to take a look at him.  I know he's around the corner so I grab stuff from my car and walk over to his.  I make a comment to him about my friends being interested in him and he asks me if I want him to come inside for a minute.  I think about it for a second, at that moment I decided why not.  I place my stuff in his car and he puts the car in park, turns it off and we walk back to her house so I can introduce him to all my friends.

This has to be the single most outgoing things I've done in a long time.  The relationship I have with S was confined to the four walls of his place until now.  I'm not the type to bring anyone around, much less a person I'm doing d/s with.  Last Saturday is the day that I decided that I'm more invested in this relationship than I thought I would be.  It now really matters to me.  Before S was just someone I was doing d/s with.  Now he is the dom that I am loyal to.  I realize that I cannot have 2 d/s relationships, even though before I thought that I could. I trust him to take me to places I'd never be able to go by myself.

First Drop.

We've been in this relationship for just over 3 months and it's my very first time feeling this way. I don't know if this is what sub drop is exactly about, but I think this is it.  I feel sick, needy, tired, and so unsure of how to feel about the session last night.  I just want to crawl up into a ball and throw a blanket over my head, which is probably what I'm going to do.

Last night, I was so happy and so fine. But it was much different than it had been before.  And of course, I choose to pick the hardest communication line with him when I should be using a more direct line of communication because I don't know how to explain myself. Not to mention he has a lot on his plate, but he did manage to get back to me not to long ago. Even when I am so unsure, I don't get how his response grounds me so much.  I guess that's why I've stuck with him.

I've made plans with my best friend to try to help with the drop because she is the person I want to be with when I want to be alone.  She is my rock.  So, eating yummy things and hanging out with the one person who knows the ins and outs of me should help me ease this.

-edit-
I'm still feeling pretty lousy, but he has reassured me several times this morning with texts.
It makes me feel loads better.  I guess time needs to pass.

Run Down.

It's late, and I have to be up early to make it to a show with an old friend.  I'm actually glad that I'm busy tomorrow, because if I wasn't I'm sure I'd sulk around my house all day.  It's not very common, but I'm just having a difficult past couple days.  Honestly, I wish I had someone who could spank it out of me. I guess I need to get out there more often.

Currently Unattached.

Every time I have been asked about what I want, I freeze.  Even if I knew what I wanted, I've never been good at asking for what I want.  Even if it's a simple question like "What do you want for your birthday?"

I now know what I want and I'm more than willing to ask for what I want.  I'm not with anyone right now, meaning in a relationship.  I've recently realized that I want to be with someone, particularly in a long term relationship. (I can't believe I just said that.)  I consider myself independent.  I am more than capable of making my own decisions.  But you're asking where spanking come into play, right?  There's this minuscule part of me that just wants to be told what to do, and when to do it.  Well, really for the less important decision of my life.  God, I sound like a contradiction.

I've come up with 5 general things that I'm looking for.

1. Respect: I may be sassy. I may disagree with you. But I'll respect you.  I ask for the same.
2. Trustworthy: I'm trusting you with my safety, please respect my limits.
3. Consistent: Always follow through please.  I can't say I'll always be well-behaved, but isn't this the reason we both agreed to this? (:
4. Honesty: The truth is easy.  Lying may be easier, but getting caught up in a lie never works out for the better.
5. Time: Life happens.  Wake up and good night texts everyday, unnecessary.  Seeing you everyday, probably impossible.  But seeing you once a month, with a text not even once a week, unacceptable. Let's compromise somewhere in between please.

For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.

Very Confused.

I've been away, I took my boards and passed. And I'm onto finding a job, which has proved to be very difficult. =/ Anyway, because of my boards, some volunteering, and a short vacation, I've been away for most of August. This is not the why I am confused, it's just a mere explanation of where I've been for a month.

What does have me confused is the message I got on Tuesday morning from B.  I was away on vacation with a few of my closest friends and it was around 12pm when I checked my messages, and there it was and I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I'm confused because about a month ago when I was on that hiatus, was the last time I did talk to B and we left it at being super busy and him seeing someone.  But the second I saw the message I knew that it was him but I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  I responded and it's been back and forth since. At first I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  He now knows that I know it is him and he knows that it is me. But there were a lot of reindeer games figuring it out. (And I still have no idea if he knew it was me in the beginning.) And I have no idea where it's going from here.  We left it at friends way before, but the initial message from Tuesday morning, has got me confused.  I don't want to delve into it though.  But I can tell you, I'm thoroughly confused and nerve-wracked.

This Moment.

I don't know where this post is coming from or where it is leading but bear with me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel.  I choose to be the uncertainty that I fear the most.  I am asking myself what I want.  I know I am a responsible person who will inevitably make the right decision because it is the adult thing to do.  And at times I HATE that about myself.  I wonder where the carefree person that I used to be went.   The best part is, I don't even have real responsibilities yet.  I'm frustrated.  I don't even know how to express it.

I have always know the next step to take.  After high school, it was clearly going to college.  But now college is done, where do I go from here?  Previously, it was getting a job, living my life, finding a man, getting my masters, getting married, and probably having kids.  But does it happen that way. Probably not.  Life cannot be planned out, it happens as it pleases.  Like I always say, shit happens then you die.

And now, where does all this spanking stuff come into play? I don't have a freaking clue.  I haven't talked to B in a while, maybe talking to him will help.  Being older than me, he must have some experience in this area.  He kind of mentioned it the last time I saw him.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing or really what I'm talking about, it is much to late to be coherently writing. Which means that I'm off to bed.  Good night.

Wide Awake.

I came clean to my best friend, M.  Well not really came clean but I talked to her about B.

All the other stuff is just to personal for me to talk about.  I mean she won't judge me, but I can't bring myself to talk about it with her.  Not yet at least.  I'll probably get there, eventually.

I told her that I meet B online, which I did.  I told her how old he is, 11 years my senior.  That I've been to his place.  How I felt uncomfortable because he paid for my meals even though I know I can pay for myself.  I might have been a couple drinks deep when I initiated conversation with M but she is my best friend and I need her on board.  Well at least that I'm talking to/seeing B.

She had a couple questions and I answered them honestly.  She did say that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, but she's my best friend I can't not answer her questions. I don't know how much she'll remember in the morning because we were having this conversation at 3 am in front of a McDonald's in the city then again at 5:30am.  But I said we would talk about it over breakfast in the morning.

I can't grasp how she took all of it though.  I asked her a couple times and she said that she was happy for me.  And that she just wants me to be happy.  But I can't help but feel that she's holding something back.  To top it off, I feel kind of really guilty that I didn't tell her sooner.  It's been about 6 weeks since I've first talked to him and I've meet with B for the first time about a month ago. Argh, it's all a huge mind fuck right now.  I can't even seem to fall asleep.  I guess I'll wait a couple hours and see where our conversation goes.

Beautiful Weather.

Today's weather was absolutely beautiful: no humidity, sunny, and warm.  I wish the weather was like that all day, every day.  I spend majority of my afternoon with B at the park.

We walked around, picked a spot to lay, and talked.  I don't understand why I become so incredibly shy when I am talking face to face with someone.  But we did talk and I'm glad we did because it cleared up a lot of things for me.

A little later, we got up and got food and a drink.  He proceeded to pay, but I didn't feel as uncomfortable because I payed for snacks/lunch/whatever it was.  We could have had one more drink, but the AC in the bar was unbearably cold so we headed out.

He had plans for the night and I had tentative plans for a couple hours later in the city, so he asked if I wanted to stay for a little at his place.  I agreed.  We walked to his place because I have a thing about taxis, which he made fun of, and the weather was nice so it was worth it.

We got to his place, it was as nice as the last time I saw it.  There was a sign at the front saying "All guests must be announced" and I said that to B and his response was "You're not a guest."

B offered me a drink, but I declined and opted for water.  I sat down on the single couch and we talked for a little.  Then out of no where (well not really out of no where) he said I was going to be spanked for my recent non-productivity and my negativity.

I froze a bit. I didn't think for a second that he would have a legit reason to spank me.  But he pulled me right over his lap and started spanking me.  Of course I squirm right away and soon enough my hands/arms are pinned because they find their way to my bottom and my shorts and panties are lowered.

I struggle some more and he pulled me up to get something.  While he's away, I'm tempted to pull my panties and shorts up, but I know it'll be worse if I do so I don't and quietly wait. B came back with a paddle and he told me to stand and put my hands on the couch. I said I don't want to, and he gave me this piercing look and said "I'm going to add 1 stroke for every 10 seconds you don't get up."  After I heard that I got up and asked him where he wanted me.  I got in position, and he said he's giving me 10 strokes.  I said I don't want 10 and he asked if I wanted 20 so I shut my mouth.

The first stroke hit with a loud crack and my hands flew right back to rub my sore bottom.  He said to move my hand I didn't because it hurt and he said he's going to add one stroke.  I didn't believe him and he most certainly did.  I got 14 strokes. 10 plus 1 for my hands and 3 for trying not to get just 10.  Next time I'll just keep my mouth shut.  (For the last three, that I was refusing, he threatened to get the cane, and that really shut me up.)

After he finished, he rubbed my bottom and asked if I was okay.  I didn't answer him, actually I don't think I talked for a couple minutes and he got a little concerned.  And really asked me if I was okay.  I stood up, rubbing my bottom, and he asked if I needed a hug.  I said no and sat down on the couch.

He kept looking at me.  And I started laughing because I couldn't believe what I had just done and why I had to do it.  B proceeded to look concerned and asked me what was going on.  I think he's exact words were "I'd like to know what's going on inside your head."

And for the first time, in a very long time, I opened up to someone brand new.  And there was something about it that was so liberating.

At the end of today, I'm really glad that I'm friends with B.  I hope it stays that way.

Inside Look.

B asked me at our first meeting if I learned anything and I chose not to answer because I wasn't sure.  He didn't push it.  I wish I had the answer when he asked, but I didn't.  Days have now passed and I know what I've learned that night.

I think of myself as a confidant person, well on most days anyway.  But that Saturday night I learned how self-conscious I can be.  I have never realized that before.  I'm sure every girl gets self-conscious and as much as I tell myself that I'm pretty different than a typical girl, I guess I'm really not.  I just like to fool myself into thinking things.

This all started to dawn on me during my commute back home, very early Sunday morning.  And I've been left to ponder about it since.  I've been asking myself questions since that night.  It has been such a long time since I've questioned myself.

The frightening part of all of this is that I don't know where to find my answers.  I want to be comforted, and reassured that what I want to figure out will come to me.  But I don't know if anyone can do that for me, if I'm willing to let anyone in to do that for me.  This is so very difficult.