Only One.

My pride gets in the way of seeing him. There are two things he wants me to do if I see him. The first is hard, the second is to beg.  You'd think after being his sub and all, it would be easy to beg for something like that. I told him it makes me feel like an idiot. But if anyone can make me do something I don't want to do without forcing me to, it's him. So I beg, get desperate, and he soaks it up and makes time for me. From how crazy I get over not seeing him, you'd think I'd learn my lesson.

It'll be 2 years at the end of this summer. That's a really long time for me. Our relationship is non-monogamous.  The other day I started wondering if he had another submissive under his wing. It's not against anything we've talked about, I just never really thought about it or bothered to ask him about it. But I did today. And his response was some of the girls he sees are submissive but not his submissive. And the age old question, "Why?" I said I was just wondering, but I was a little surprised because I honestly thought he would have someone else.

My Way.

I'm in one of those moods where I want absolutely my way. I want domination and submission my way.  I want to be spanked, but just for the time, amount, and implement of my choosing.  I am no means a brat, but I really want everything out of my control to be in my control.  To be able to stop time and take the time I need to regroup.

It's early in the morning and I barely slept after working a double yesterday because of New Year's Day family fun-ness. All I want is a strong hand around my neck, slowly tightening, to really lose the idea of being in control in every way possible.

I had a good cry before.  I went through a flurry of feelings, really unexplainable to anyone.  I think I just feel invalidated and it's making me go a little coo-coo.

Feeling Needy.

It's been a long time, a really long time.  He's was away, halfway across the country away and halfway across the world away, and I've been at home trying to keep peace with my life.  He's back but he's busy, which I found out yesterday.  I asked him if he was free sometime this week and he told me he wouldn't be at home for about a week and a half.  And I pouted a little.  I don't think I can even call it bratting.  As soon as I responded, I felt silly and stupid, which I told him.  He tells me to always speak freely.  So I told him, I hate being/feeling needy.  I honestly do, and in every other normally circumstance I would've just bit my tongue and waited out the couple days for it to pass.  His response "you feel it, it's there, might as well share."  I almost wish he would've just said "suck it up next time." but I think that's my jadedness talking.

But back to the real story, I'm feeling needy.  I feel like things aren't going right.  I know things aren't bad, they're actually fine.  It's my feelings that are taking flight and it's making me feel real uneasy.

Dark blues.

I'm going through some rough times.  Nothing insane, just a lot of internal, personal things.  It doesn't help that I feel like I don't have much support as I try to work through all of it.  I want to laugh and smile.   And this is why I love my dominant.  I asked for our next thing to be something fun, something that will have me laugh and smile.  And in his fashion, his response was "sure. :)" No other questions, exactly what I needed.  I'm sure he'll push it out of me.

As things get personal with our relationship, it gets harder and harder for me to write about them.  Which is why I haven't been writing as much.  As intense as it was in the beginning, it's just the same now if not more. But I am more invested.  I feel like I have more to lose.

Deep Thought.

This is a pretty vanilla post so if you'd like to skip this one over, feel free. I just need to rant a little. 

Every time one part of my life seems to be going well, another part of my life is shaken. And the only person that can silence all these thoughts in my head is S. We've been together for over a year now, but I'm still afraid to open up part of myself to him. There's a deep part of me that I'm just super scared about. And I'm 100% sure that he's aware because he's very intuitive about these type of things. He reads me like I'm the world easiest children book. It's unnerving because I feel oh so vulnerable that he can do it. I've shown my crazy to him and he openly accepts it but I still can't seem to talk about what's going on in my head. Every time I go to talk to him I get overwhelmed and nothing comes out of my mouth, which also drives me absolutely mad because you'd think that I'd be able to tell him anything. 

I've slept so little after work yesterday and I can't get to sleep because I have racing thoughts going through my head. I had an absolutely wonderful distraction today with my phenomenal friends but it's really these nights that get me.  That's really all I have to say. I'm such a complete mess right now. 

A Punishment.

*I promised myself I'd get this one posted before I go to bed last night but I got way too tired. Hi there, it's been a long while.  I have all these half written posts and I write and then time flows by and I don't get back to writing about my night with S.  So back to my night with S last night. Just a reminder, this is all consensual.  We play safe and with a safeword.  

I walk over to his place, only 2 blocks away and I ring his bell.  He buzzes me in and as I walk up the stairs, I hear the door buzz again.  I finally get to midway of the last set of stairs and I see him standing in the door post.  I walk up and I stand about a foot and a half in front of him.  All I can think of is how sexy he look in his untucked dress shirt. He steps out, whips me around, and puts me face against the wall and my hands above my head on the wall.  My stomach in now in my throat because I don't know what to expect, not to mention we're still in the hallway/staircase. (Good thing he has the floor to himself.)

I hear him unbuckle his belt. And right after I feel it hit my ass.  He continues to belt me and I moan out in pain, and I try not to be loud.  He stops and wraps the belt around my neck.  I LOVE being choked.  I know it's a huge risk, but I really trust S. He does it once then grabs me by the hair and brings me inside. 

He shuts the door and I drop my bag.  I don't even remember how he starts choking me, but he does and as I start to see my vision go a little, he loosens it. "Take a deep breath." I do and he goes back at it.  He asks me "What happened?" and I'm a little confused at what he's asking me so I don't respond.  The choking continues and he says "I've now asked you 6 times. Talk."  He grabs my hair again and brings me into his bedroom.

"I said talk."  I begin to explain why I was overwhelmed.  He throws me into position and he starts strapping me with the belt again. It has been a while since my last hard spanking, I start to really squirm.  I bite down on the towel on his bed because it's a lot to take.  Without even realizing my hand is on my bottom to rub it. And the second I rub I feel the belt snap across my hand. "Move it now." He says firmly.  I pull my hand back and I rub my sore hand.  

He stops and rubs my bottom. I relax a little.  He gives a little pressure and I wince.  He stops and I hear him pick up the belt. He starts strapping me again.  I slowly begin to float into subspace.  It stops hurting until a lick of the belt gets a small part of my back and a screech out in pain.  

"On your knees."
"Yes sir."

I get on my knees and he pulls down his pants and boxers.  I see his beautiful cock and I happily accept him into my mouth.  I give him some wonderful head and as I rub his cock, he touches my face with both of his hands.

"You are a great sub.  A fantastic sub.  But you understand why you are getting punished right?"
"Yes sir."

He slaps me multiple times. I lose track of how many times because I can't bear to keep track and as I'm about to turn away, he stops.  He looks at me and pushes me down onto the floor.  I'm face down on the floor and he lightly kicks my sides.  I just focus on my breathing and moments later, I hear the belt and I feel it hitting my ass.  I almost wish I had taken a video of it, because I completely broke down.  I was legitimately bawling on the floor as I screamed for him to please stop.

"Do you want me to stop?"
"Yes sir."
"I can't hear you,"
"YES SIR."
"Who's in charge here?"
"You are sir."
"If I don't want to stop, am I going to stop?"
"No sir."
"When am I going to stop?"
"When you want to stop, Sir."
"So if I want to continue, will I continue?"
"Yes sir."

After a few more strokes he stops, and I am a mess on the floor.  He lays on top of me as I shake and cry.  He soothes me for a while and my sobs settle down.

This is about an hour after.  Today the redness has gone down, but it is starting to bruise.  Good thing it's now cooler weather and I can wear clothes to cover it up because I have some marks on my legs.

Hurt Me.

I had asked him for a spanking.  And I let him know I was going to be by him and a time frame of when I'd be free.  He told me to text him as I was getting ready to go back home.

"I think I'll be done around 8 tonight."
"That's better.  Would you like me to hurt you?"
"Yes sir. Please."

"Ok."

"I just wrapped up with my friends.  Should I head towards you?"
"Yes come over."

15 minutes later, I ring his bell.

"Make yourself at home.  I'll be busy for a little."

And he buzzes me up.

I peel my jacket and sweater off and plug my phone in.  I lay down on the couch, and I dozed off.  I wake up startled when he called out my name.  He realized that he had just woken me up from sleeping and apologizes for scaring me.  He told me to come to him when I was ready.  I sit dazed for a couple minutes.  I get myself together and walk into his room.

"Are you ready or do you need a couple more minutes?"
"I'm ready."

He spanks me a couple times then he walks over to get his flogger.  He asked if I want to be spanked or flogged.  I, of course, said I want to be spanked.  I'm not sure if he hears me, but he started flogging me.  I thank him for it and he asked how hard it was on a scale of 1-10.  I tell him it was a 4.  He continues, and he starts to come down on me harder. I start squirming, the pain is so bad, but also so good.

"Do you think you can handle 50 spanks?"
"I don't know."
"I want you to count every one of them."
"Yes sir."

I start counting them and compared to the flogger it wasn't bad at all.  They progressively get worse.  By the mid-30's, my ass is aching and it seems like he was going at a super speed.  I don't get a chance to thank him and that was the first comment he made as soon as we got to 50.

"I didn't hear a single thank you for from. I beat you like you ask, and not one for the 50 I just gave you.  If my hand wasn't hurting, I'd give you more with my hand."
"I'm sorry sir.  Thank you sir.  Thank you for spanking me."
"Oh, just you wait..."

He picks the flogger back up and starts flogging my ass with.  Soon, I am floating slowly into a peaceful state of mind.  Then the flogger starts to wrap around to my hip, leaving me with a stinging feeling.  I want him to stop so bad, but I also want him to continue.  With more squirming and me ferociously grabbing onto his pillow and comforter, he stops and asked if I had enough.  I say I wanted more, so he continues even harder with his flogger.

"Would you like more?"
"Yes sir."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Oh you are going to get it."
I heard him walking, so I turned to him.
"Close your eyes."
"Yes sir."

I hear him rummaging through his toy chest.  I don't know what I should be expecting.  He comes back and whacks me right across my entire bottom.

"It's your favorite."
"Ah, nooooo."
"Did I just hear a no?"
"No sir."

He continues paddling me and I started shifting my legs and squirming.  But with one "stop moving/stay still" I do.  The paddle has never been and never will be an implement I enjoy.  I hate that it's thuddy, and the pain is unbearable.  Well at least when he spanks me with it.  I start to tell him that it's too much. He tells me to start begging for him to stop. I start begging and he doesn't let down.  I try to just absorb the pain, but that doesn't last and I start squirming again.

"Ass down."
"Yes sir."

I say as I groan into the pillow and he starts counting down from 10.  But with him it always changes, so I don't know if it'll be 10 more or he's just counting down.  He counts down and I start to tell him that I can't.  He assures me that I can and reaches zero.  Then I feel the cane.  The cane stings and it's sharp.  Many, many strokes later I'm asking myself why I asked for this.  I start begging again.  He continues and I feel that I may actually start crying. He starts counting down again and I know the end is near.  After he reaches zero he gives me a couple more and he stops.

I can feel my bottom throbbing.  I reach and rub.  I'm still bent over on the bed and he comes up behind me and hugs me from behind.  I sink deeper into the bed from the weight of his body.  He bites me and I scream out.

As soon as he bites me a third time, he starts squeezing my ass.  I didn't think anything would hurt worse than the beating I just got, but I feel like I'm going to see stars.  I scream out, and I try to get him to stop.  He tells me that he has to and continues to squeeze.  I still beg him to stop, but he says that I can cry if I need to.  Soon enough he stops and I stay limp on the bed.

"Is that what you needed?"
"Yes sir."
"I haven't beat anyone like that in over 2 years."
He says with a smile in his voice.

This is 2.5 hours after.  I don't really stay red or bruise after long beatings/spankings.  But he did a number on me. There is no doubt that this will bruise.

Actual Life.

After waiting 45 minutes:

"I feel like an idiot waiting outside.  I'm assuming something happened.  I'm going to go home."
"I suck. I fell asleep with my kid. Sooooo sorry."
"It's okay."
"I feel really bad!!!"
"I was more worried something happened to you. I'll see you when you get back."
"You are sweet."
"(: Make it up to me, haha."
":)"

S is so busy.  Like always doing something busy.  I often wonder how he does it all.  I wonder what he gives up to be able to make everything in his life work and how he makes time to see me.  Then again, he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, a luxury he can afford.  Anyway, I haven't seen him in 3 weeks.  Which is hard because I'm more or less used to seeing him about once a week.  I was suppose to see him Monday, but as you can tell from the conversation above, it totally didn't happen.  At first I didn't know if I should be mad or worried because he doesn't just not answer his phone.  Feeling mad, upset, and worried, I texted him a final time and took the drive back home.  Driving home, the music was blasted but I couldn't help but be upset.  A couple tears slipped my eyes.  I crawled into bed and I tried to take my mind off of it, but nothing was a big enough distraction.  I slammed my computer shut and I tried to sleep.  I heard my phone go off, a short while later.  He texted me and I was flooded with relief that he was indeed okay.  I guess that was how I was feeling.

In any other scenario, I would've just been so mad.  I don't get bailed on, especially with no reason.  He's got me conditioned.  It would make me sick to admit, if I didn't love it so much.  His steady consistency has shown me that he's not going anywhere and that he means what he says, which is so refreshing.

No Control.

Before his palm meets my face, I shut my eyes in anticipation while thinking, 'please, not so hard.'

"Open your eyes and look at me."

I open my eyes and he continues.

"Keep your eyes open when I slap you.  If you close them, I'm going to slap you again."

This is going to be so hard for me.  I try to keep my eyes open.  I see his hand out of the corner of my eye.  Before I know it, he slaps me and asks if I closed my eyes.  I know I did so I tell him I did.  I open my eyes and he goes to slap me again and asks me again.  I'm unsure, so I tell him I closed them.  I don't want to get caught in a lie.  This continues for several more times.  His hand moves again. 

"No, wait..." softly comes out of my mouth.

"What did you just say? No, wait?! Who's in charge here?" 

*slap

"You are sir."
*slap
"Who's in charge?"
"YOU ARE SIR."

Frazzled from all the slaps across my face, I don't know if I shut my eyes again.

"Did you close your eyes?"
"I'm not sure sir."

I say not confidentially, as I slowly look into his eyes.  He gives a slight smile.  He knows that if he goes further he's going to have pushed me to far.

iPhone Cord.

"Get on your hands and knees, ass in the air. Door unlocked/open."
"Yes sir."
"Do you have an iPhone 5 charger?"
"Yes."

As I waited for him, I didn't think anything of the charger.  We have the same phone so I figured he needed to charge his phone. I grew a little nervous and I heard him come into the room.  I wanted to turn around and look at him, but I knew that wasn't a good idea so I stayed put.  I heard him settle in and I felt his cold hands against my warm back, sending chills up my spine.  He gave me a couple spanks and I heard him fidget with my charger. All of a sudden, I felt a sharp snap against my ass.  It felt like the cane so I had assumed that it was a cane.  As he continued, I realized that it wasn't a cane, but my iPhone charger.  And it was wicked.

"Do you want a break or do you want more?"
"More please."

Even as I was crying out because it stung, I couldn't get enough.  Soon after he swung harder and I was begging for him to stop.  He gave me a couple more, and finally stopped.

He plugged in his phone and said...
"Get your head to the edge of the bed."

Pain Scale.

After very long play with S and T, S and I were laying in his bed and I was staring at the toys strewn about on his bed. As S is watching me, I pick up the paddle he has.

"What are you doing?"
"I don't like this."

I say as I lightly toss the paddle back onto his bed.  He laughs at my response.  T walks in and asks what he's laughing at and he does verbatim what I did.  She puts her wine down and climbs into bed with us.  She starts spanking me.

She picks up the paddle, and lightly wacks it across my behind.  I don't even flinch because it's nothing compared to how hard S can bring it across me.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 not hurting to 10 the worst ever, what was that?"
"Hmm, 4."

She continues to bring the paddle on me, and I proceed to tell her what the pain level is.  S takes the paddle from her and spanks me hard with it and I scream out 9.

He turns to her and says...
"If you're going to spank her with that, I just want you to know how it feels.  This is nothing compared to how hard I just hit her."
"OUCH."

She takes the paddle back and says she's going to try and get me to say 10.  S laughs and voices that I won't.

So Good.

Sometimes I don't know what I deserved to actually find S.  It was luck of the draw I suppose.  I've read horror stories on d/s relationships that don't end up so well and I'm so happy to have found someone that matches my needs.  My last post had me a little down because he had been busy and away.  I did end up emailing him last night and he got to me a couple hours later and I felt right back in place.  We've gone longer without seeing each other, so I'm at a loss in why it got to me this time.  Well, to be fair, before I wouldn't have even reached out.  I would have waited until he talked to me.  So I guess it's about baby steps. (:

Post Breakdown.

My preferred means of communication with S after I've been through some things is email.  It gives me a chance to write out how I'm feeling.  He knows this and he teases me from time to time about it.  He texted me the early the following morning to ask if I had gotten home okay.  I told him that I did. He also asked if I was okay and I told him that I could be better.  With most people I would've said that I was fine and it would've been the end of it, but with him hiding how I'm actually doing will only hurt me because we need to deal with how my emotional state affected our play. I told him it wasn't the fact that we were at a party and that I wanted to go. I told him I'd email him later on and he told me to get some sleep. And I got a lot of sleep that day/night.

I wrote him the next day and let him know that it was my crazy that was the driving force of what happened days before.  It was much later than I had anticipated, but I didn't know what to say, so I couldn't write him. I also thanked him for getting me to cry because it was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't except when I send this email was the response I received.  He asked what's going on that's making me so crazy.  I know it seems weird that I didn't expect that, but me giving the explanation wasn't my way of inviting him to ask what's going on with me.  It was a mere explanation.

I responded with saying that I've just been frustrated with a couple things in my life.  And that I normally have a handle on all of it but it manifested its way out that night.  And his response was "I'm here."

Neither of us come first in either of our lives and with that he's seemingly always more busy than I am.  But I'm okay with it and I respect that.  My issues aren't necessarily something that he really needs to be thinking about outside of the areas that we hit with what we do.  My crazy is a lot to deal with for me.  It's my insecurities, failures, lack of job, and family and friend issues all in my head. So his response made me smile.  Maybe I should let him break the brick wall that I've built around me.

Public Breakdown.

I'm at a party, on my knees, pleasuring someone. He comes behind me, to touch me, more specifically to finger me. I reach back to his wrist, stop what I'm doing, and I say no.  He whispers in my ear.

"You can stop if you want to."

I stop and he pulls me into his arms.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Will you let me know when you do? Something spooked you. Are you sure you don't know what it was?"

I shake my head and he continues to hug me.

"Are you ready to go home?"
"Yes."
"Give me your hand."

I give him my hand and he lets me up.  He leads me back to the entrance and helps me put my sweater and jacket on.  He leads me into the elevator and a couple joins us.

"You can take your blindfold off."

I do and I say hi to the couple I had talked to earlier in the night.  We get off the elevator and the couple walks out.  He turns to talk to me as I take the collar off and put my scarf on.  He asks me what happened tonight.  I look at him and I tell him that I don't know.

"Are you mad that you came?"
"No."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You know that you don't have to do this."
"I know."
"You know that you don't have to go on Monday."
"I want to go."
"Slut."

I smile because I do want to play on Monday.  He goes to pull on my hair and it makes me so wanton.  He asks if I want more and I say that I do.  He pulls harder than he's ever pulled before.  I try to follow him up and I end up on my tippy toes.  He touches my face. I don't see it coming, but he slaps me hard.  When he does, all I could think was, someone walking by is going to see because we were a few steps from the door, which was just glass.  He continues to slap me and I start to make a face, trying hard not to breakdown.

"Let it go. You're going to anyway. Just do it."

A couple slaps later, I break, almost falling to the ground.  He tells me to stay standing. I hold onto him as a cry.

"You know that I'm always going to be able to make you cry." he says.  I don't respond and he asks me if this is what I needed, and I nod as he wipes tears from my face.

Holiday Party

Last Saturday, I went to my annual Christmas party with my friends.  A week after I RSVP'd, S had asked me to keep the same day open.  Later, I asked him what his plans were and he said that we were going to a party, which is a story for a different time.  It was a huge conflict for me to choose him over the people I have in my life daily.  I chose him.  I let my friend know that I'd be either leaving her party early or I'd be coming late.  After I got more details, I let her know that I'd be leaving early.  The day of, S let me know that he would be picking me up at her house rather than have me come meet up with him.  My friends know that I'm seeing someone, but most don't know the nature of our relationship because it's not something I'm ready to share with everyone.  By the way I'm dressed they all know I'm leaving, and they're all curious because they know that it was him.  At that point, I had no intentions of bringing him into the house.  A couple hours into the party, he texts me and tells me that he's outside.  I say my goodbyes and people are ready to go outside to take a look at him.  I know he's around the corner so I grab stuff from my car and walk over to his.  I make a comment to him about my friends being interested in him and he asks me if I want him to come inside for a minute.  I think about it for a second, at that moment I decided why not.  I place my stuff in his car and he puts the car in park, turns it off and we walk back to her house so I can introduce him to all my friends.

This has to be the single most outgoing things I've done in a long time.  The relationship I have with S was confined to the four walls of his place until now.  I'm not the type to bring anyone around, much less a person I'm doing d/s with.  Last Saturday is the day that I decided that I'm more invested in this relationship than I thought I would be.  It now really matters to me.  Before S was just someone I was doing d/s with.  Now he is the dom that I am loyal to.  I realize that I cannot have 2 d/s relationships, even though before I thought that I could. I trust him to take me to places I'd never be able to go by myself.

Hotel Play.

He asks me if I'm ready to serve more of his friends.  And I respond with a "I trust you."  Hours later, he texts me a time and location.

"Yes sir.  Will you be there?"
"I want to be sooooo mean and not tell you. But yes I will be there. Be mentally prepared."
"Thank you for telling me."
"Kisses.  And you did great the other night and you will do great tomorrow. No getting down on yourself."
"Yes sir."

Soon after he asks if I am excited and I tell him I am but I'm also nervous.  He says he wants me calm and happy.

"I am always happy to be with you.  As for calm, once I adjust to where I am, I should be fine."
"Good girl."

"Make sure your ass is clean and ready. Actually go in early, go to a sex store, buy a butt plug.  I will pay for it. A nice size one. And have it in your clean ass when you show up. If you see anything else in the store you like send me a picture."

As I prepared to go out that night, I underestimated how much time it would take so I was running a little late.  I figured out how to get to one of the more decent sex stores and got there.  I didn't know where to start so I asked one of the girls working for some help.  I picked out the one that I thought would be the right fit.  I paid and took a look at a couple other things in the store.  I took a picture of a couple things.  I left and tried to grab a cab and I was very unsuccessful.  I started walking towards the bar I knew was single stall.  It was crowded which I expected given the time.  I found the bathroom and thankfully it was free.  I opened the box to the butt plug and opened the single use lube I had gotten.  As I lubed my bottom and the butt plug, I heard a knock at the bathroom door and laughed at myself.  I couldn't believe that I was putting in a butt plug in a bathroom of a bar that I frequent at the request of him.  I got it in and every move I made I felt it.  I texted him and told him I'm going to be a couple minutes late, and he was okay with it.  I attempted to grab another cab, but failed again and walked over to the hotel.

Inside the hotel was packed, and I did not see him.  I sat down by the elevators and about 10 minutes later he found me.  He had me lock my arm on his and we walked closer to the hotel bar.

"Are you okay with waiting here for a couple minutes while I go find my friends?"

I told him I was and I stood by one of the plants.  A short while later, he came back with a backpack and the key to the hotel room.

"I forgot my bag in the car, I had to go get it."

He took my hand and we walked to the elevators to the room.  As we stood by the elevators, he grew impatient because they were taking a while.  The crowd going to the club was large and security made sure that they weren't crowding the area.  He leaned in and gave me a deep kiss, which I wasn't expecting.  The elevators came and we got in.  He asked me how I was doing and I said I was nervous.  He responded with, "I want you calm."

We got to the 5th floor and I followed his lead.  He gives me a time line of what is to happen.  I have 20 minutes to relax and do what I need to do.  I am to put my blindfold on and kneel on the floor at the corner of the bed waiting for whoever is coming,  When s/he enters the room, I am to do what s/he says.

"Do you want a quick spanking before I go?"
"Yes sir."

He has me take my pants down and I quickly do.  He gives me a quick 5 minute spanking and he leaves me to be.  After about 20 minutes, I get in position and put my blindfold on.  Every sound I hear has me jumping out of my skin because I don't know what to expect.  I finally hear the hotel door click and I know someone has entered the room.

To be continued...

30 Seconds.

I got to his place and I sent him a text.

"Here."

He didn't respond but a few minutes later, I heard him buzz me in.  I walked up the stairs and he opened the door.

"Hi."
"Hi."
"Put your stuff down over there. Grab a drink from the fridge.  Or if you want a real drink, make one."
"No, I have to drive later."

I put down my bag and jacket and take off my blazer. And I get a bottle of water from the fridge.  I walk into his room and he's watching tv.  He looks over at me and walks towards me.  After some kissing, there's a long hug, after a few seconds I relax.  He grabs the base of my hair and pulls my head back and it makes me so wanton for him.  He nibbles on my ear and I moan out.  But then I see a look in his eye.  He puts his hand against my neck and starts to choke me.  Slowly, he pushes me up against the closet wall and let's go.  He then starts again and slowly I start to rise to my tippy toes, trying to escape  but I don't succeed.  I almost start gasping and he lets go of my throat.  He slaps me across the face several times and I hate it.  My ears stop ringing and he straightens his arm, looks at me straight in the eyes and he puts his right hand tightly around my neck.  I feel myself giving out.  When I start to come back I see him looking at me and I'm laying on the floor.

"Welcome back.  How long did you think you were out for?"

He asks and I blink my eyes a couple times and he says

"5 seconds, 30 seconds, a minute?"

I couldn't tell, so I respond with a minute.

"You were out for about 30 seconds." he says with a huge smile on his face.

"Lay there and rest for a little, I'll right be back."

First Drop.

We've been in this relationship for just over 3 months and it's my very first time feeling this way. I don't know if this is what sub drop is exactly about, but I think this is it.  I feel sick, needy, tired, and so unsure of how to feel about the session last night.  I just want to crawl up into a ball and throw a blanket over my head, which is probably what I'm going to do.

Last night, I was so happy and so fine. But it was much different than it had been before.  And of course, I choose to pick the hardest communication line with him when I should be using a more direct line of communication because I don't know how to explain myself. Not to mention he has a lot on his plate, but he did manage to get back to me not to long ago. Even when I am so unsure, I don't get how his response grounds me so much.  I guess that's why I've stuck with him.

I've made plans with my best friend to try to help with the drop because she is the person I want to be with when I want to be alone.  She is my rock.  So, eating yummy things and hanging out with the one person who knows the ins and outs of me should help me ease this.

-edit-
I'm still feeling pretty lousy, but he has reassured me several times this morning with texts.
It makes me feel loads better.  I guess time needs to pass.

His Friends.

It's now been a couple months since I've been S' sub. A while back, he had asked me if I wanted to serve his friends.  Being the person I am, it took a long time for me to answer the question.  I finally agreed and I talked to the girl for a while and a date was set.

She had told me just to ring the buzzer when I got to the apartment. So I did.  

S had texted me earlier.

"When are you meeting with them?"
"7:30."

"Are you ready?"
"That's a good question."

"How are you feeling?"
"Nervous."

As I was walking up to the third floor, my nerves were getting the best of me.  I almost stopped and turned around.  But she had been so nice and made me feel so comfortable when we met, I couldn't do that to her.  And I didn't want to disappoint S. So I took a breather and knocked on the door.  She answered and let me in.

I met him for the first time and it was also the first time I got a look at what he looked like.  Very handsome.  He took my coat and asked if I wanted anything to drink.  I asked for a glass of red wine and he went to pour me a glass.  

"Oh, take a seat." They both said.

I sat at one end of the couch and she sat at the other, leaving room for him to sit in the middle.  He handed me my glass and I thanked him.  Still not knowing what to expect, I slowly sipped on my wine and we began talking a little.  At first just general questions then more into the kink we do.

"So tell me about some of the things you've done with S."
"Uh...everything"
"So shy."

"Just start off with one thing."

"Hmm."
"Well when was the last time you saw him?"
"Yesterday.  So it's not hard to come up with something.  He blindfolded me yesterday."

"Ah that must have been fun."
"Yes, very."

Conversation started to cease and we all got busy.

Silk Scarf.

"Kneel." He says as he throws a pillow from the bed onto the floor.

He walks over with a silk scarf in his had and before he put it on, I knew it was about to blindfold me.  He ties the scarf over my eyes.

"Can you see anything?
"No sir."
"Good."

After some play...

"Lay down on the floor. You can use the pillow on your head."

I hear his shuffling around and then I hear him say...

"How many people do you think are in this room?"
"Uh, one?"
"So besides me, there's only one?"

I try listen harder to feet shuffling around, and I can't tell.

"Well two, if you count me..."
"Hahaha. How are you going to please my friends?"

At that very moment I froze.  We had talked about this, but I didn't think it was coming any time soon. I started to stutter and my palms started to get sweaty.

"Do you want them to take your mouth or your pussy?"
"I... Uh..."

With that he spit into my mouth, so I knew he was by my head.  All I could think was how much I didn't want to disappoint him.

"Answer the question."
"In my mouth sir."
"Good. Oh, there's no one else in this room.  It's just me and you today."

With that last sentence I was flooded with relief.  He undid my blindfold and had a big grin on his face.  And all I could do was stare at him in relief.