For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.