Currently Unattached.

Every time I have been asked about what I want, I freeze.  Even if I knew what I wanted, I've never been good at asking for what I want.  Even if it's a simple question like "What do you want for your birthday?"

I now know what I want and I'm more than willing to ask for what I want.  I'm not with anyone right now, meaning in a relationship.  I've recently realized that I want to be with someone, particularly in a long term relationship. (I can't believe I just said that.)  I consider myself independent.  I am more than capable of making my own decisions.  But you're asking where spanking come into play, right?  There's this minuscule part of me that just wants to be told what to do, and when to do it.  Well, really for the less important decision of my life.  God, I sound like a contradiction.

I've come up with 5 general things that I'm looking for.

1. Respect: I may be sassy. I may disagree with you. But I'll respect you.  I ask for the same.
2. Trustworthy: I'm trusting you with my safety, please respect my limits.
3. Consistent: Always follow through please.  I can't say I'll always be well-behaved, but isn't this the reason we both agreed to this? (:
4. Honesty: The truth is easy.  Lying may be easier, but getting caught up in a lie never works out for the better.
5. Time: Life happens.  Wake up and good night texts everyday, unnecessary.  Seeing you everyday, probably impossible.  But seeing you once a month, with a text not even once a week, unacceptable. Let's compromise somewhere in between please.

For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.

Very Confused.

I've been away, I took my boards and passed. And I'm onto finding a job, which has proved to be very difficult. =/ Anyway, because of my boards, some volunteering, and a short vacation, I've been away for most of August. This is not the why I am confused, it's just a mere explanation of where I've been for a month.

What does have me confused is the message I got on Tuesday morning from B.  I was away on vacation with a few of my closest friends and it was around 12pm when I checked my messages, and there it was and I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I'm confused because about a month ago when I was on that hiatus, was the last time I did talk to B and we left it at being super busy and him seeing someone.  But the second I saw the message I knew that it was him but I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  I responded and it's been back and forth since. At first I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  He now knows that I know it is him and he knows that it is me. But there were a lot of reindeer games figuring it out. (And I still have no idea if he knew it was me in the beginning.) And I have no idea where it's going from here.  We left it at friends way before, but the initial message from Tuesday morning, has got me confused.  I don't want to delve into it though.  But I can tell you, I'm thoroughly confused and nerve-wracked.

Tequila Mockingbird.

Oh my God, I have a killer headache.  I open my eyes and I realize that I didn't make it home. Ugh crap, I'm in his bed.  Speaking of, where is he?  And how much did I actually drink last night?  I guess a lot if I don't remember how I ended up here. Shit. I had a tab running, did I even get my credit card back?  I see my purse so I grab it and I rummage through it for my wallet.  I find my wallet and my credit card is there, thank God.

I walk into his bathroom and I realize that I'm not wearing what I wore last night.  I'm in one of his shirts.  I sheepishly smile.  Mhmm, it smells like him. Where are my clothes anyway?  Last night is such a blur.

I hear keys jingle, and the lock click.  He's back.

I squeeze some toothpaste on his toothbrush, stick it in my mouth and brush my teeth.  By the time I finish brushing my teeth, he's standing at the doorway of the bathroom, looking at me.

"Good afternoon, my little lush." He says, while we move back to his bedroom.

I blush. "It's already the afternoon? Oh boy."

"Oh boy is right.  It is the afternoon.  Do you remember anything from last night?"  He asks.

This Moment.

I don't know where this post is coming from or where it is leading but bear with me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel.  I choose to be the uncertainty that I fear the most.  I am asking myself what I want.  I know I am a responsible person who will inevitably make the right decision because it is the adult thing to do.  And at times I HATE that about myself.  I wonder where the carefree person that I used to be went.   The best part is, I don't even have real responsibilities yet.  I'm frustrated.  I don't even know how to express it.

I have always know the next step to take.  After high school, it was clearly going to college.  But now college is done, where do I go from here?  Previously, it was getting a job, living my life, finding a man, getting my masters, getting married, and probably having kids.  But does it happen that way. Probably not.  Life cannot be planned out, it happens as it pleases.  Like I always say, shit happens then you die.

And now, where does all this spanking stuff come into play? I don't have a freaking clue.  I haven't talked to B in a while, maybe talking to him will help.  Being older than me, he must have some experience in this area.  He kind of mentioned it the last time I saw him.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing or really what I'm talking about, it is much to late to be coherently writing. Which means that I'm off to bed.  Good night.