For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.

Very Confused.

I've been away, I took my boards and passed. And I'm onto finding a job, which has proved to be very difficult. =/ Anyway, because of my boards, some volunteering, and a short vacation, I've been away for most of August. This is not the why I am confused, it's just a mere explanation of where I've been for a month.

What does have me confused is the message I got on Tuesday morning from B.  I was away on vacation with a few of my closest friends and it was around 12pm when I checked my messages, and there it was and I nearly jumped out of my skin.  I'm confused because about a month ago when I was on that hiatus, was the last time I did talk to B and we left it at being super busy and him seeing someone.  But the second I saw the message I knew that it was him but I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  I responded and it's been back and forth since. At first I wasn't sure if he knew that it was me.  He now knows that I know it is him and he knows that it is me. But there were a lot of reindeer games figuring it out. (And I still have no idea if he knew it was me in the beginning.) And I have no idea where it's going from here.  We left it at friends way before, but the initial message from Tuesday morning, has got me confused.  I don't want to delve into it though.  But I can tell you, I'm thoroughly confused and nerve-wracked.

Tequila Mockingbird.

Oh my God, I have a killer headache.  I open my eyes and I realize that I didn't make it home. Ugh crap, I'm in his bed.  Speaking of, where is he?  And how much did I actually drink last night?  I guess a lot if I don't remember how I ended up here. Shit. I had a tab running, did I even get my credit card back?  I see my purse so I grab it and I rummage through it for my wallet.  I find my wallet and my credit card is there, thank God.

I walk into his bathroom and I realize that I'm not wearing what I wore last night.  I'm in one of his shirts.  I sheepishly smile.  Mhmm, it smells like him. Where are my clothes anyway?  Last night is such a blur.

I hear keys jingle, and the lock click.  He's back.

I squeeze some toothpaste on his toothbrush, stick it in my mouth and brush my teeth.  By the time I finish brushing my teeth, he's standing at the doorway of the bathroom, looking at me.

"Good afternoon, my little lush." He says, while we move back to his bedroom.

I blush. "It's already the afternoon? Oh boy."

"Oh boy is right.  It is the afternoon.  Do you remember anything from last night?"  He asks.

This Moment.

I don't know where this post is coming from or where it is leading but bear with me.

Right now, in this moment, I feel.  I choose to be the uncertainty that I fear the most.  I am asking myself what I want.  I know I am a responsible person who will inevitably make the right decision because it is the adult thing to do.  And at times I HATE that about myself.  I wonder where the carefree person that I used to be went.   The best part is, I don't even have real responsibilities yet.  I'm frustrated.  I don't even know how to express it.

I have always know the next step to take.  After high school, it was clearly going to college.  But now college is done, where do I go from here?  Previously, it was getting a job, living my life, finding a man, getting my masters, getting married, and probably having kids.  But does it happen that way. Probably not.  Life cannot be planned out, it happens as it pleases.  Like I always say, shit happens then you die.

And now, where does all this spanking stuff come into play? I don't have a freaking clue.  I haven't talked to B in a while, maybe talking to him will help.  Being older than me, he must have some experience in this area.  He kind of mentioned it the last time I saw him.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing or really what I'm talking about, it is much to late to be coherently writing. Which means that I'm off to bed.  Good night.

Late Night.

It's midnight and he just left and I miss him.  He has to get up early for a business meeting tomorrow.  I told him to go home, so he wouldn't get stuck in the awful traffic into the city in the morning.  I wish he didn't have such a early meeting, I'm not working tomorrow and I want to just snuggle with him.

I think back on tonight and it was great.

He came over with Thai and we ate.  After we turned the tv on and we sat on the couch.  I got sucked into the tv and time came for the commercials, I turned to him and he was just looking at me.

I furrow my eyebrows and say "What?"
"Nothing, you're beautiful." He says, and I blush.
He leans in to kiss me and I let him.  At the same time he turns the tv off.
"Very smooth, sir."
"Sir?" He says, sounding surprised. 
"Yes, Sir."
"Oh, you want to play?"
I smirked and he knew my answer. 

I know I told him that I'm fine and he should go home, he was wary and gave me that I-don't-believe-you look.  But he went because I practically pushed him out the door.  And now, I'm feeling very lonely and vulnerable.  Maybe I'll call him...

As I pick up my phone to call him, he calls me.

I answer, "Hey."

"Hey.  I just got home.  I wanted to let you know and I wanted to know if you're okay.  How are you right now?" He says, sounding concerned.

"I'm okay." I give a short reply.

"Hmm, babe, are you telling me what I want to hear or how you really feel?"  He questions my reply.

I sigh. "I'm telling you what you want to hear, okay? I was okay when you left and I didn't want you to drive so early tomorrow to beat the traffic.  I thought I'd be fine.  But I really would like to be cuddling with you... I'm coming down hard.  I just needed to hear your voice and I was about to call when you did.  Since I talked to you, I'll be fine." I say as tear well up in my eyes.

"No, it's not okay.  You're upset.  I hear it in your voice.  Which means you're not fine.  I shouldn't have left after that long session."  He says.

As I hold back my tears, I manage to say. "I am, but I'll be okay.  It's late and you have to get up early. I'm gunna go.  G'night."

He barely gets in a good night, and I hang up.  A second later the waterworks start.  I lay on my bed and form a circle of pillows around me, burying my face into a pillow.  A while later, as my tears and sobs subside, my phone vibrates.

It takes me a couple minutes but I open my text and it's from him. "I'm outside.  Buzz me in."  I'm dazed and confused.  I can't be reading this right.  It's 2 in the morning, he can't be standing outside right now.  I stand up and look outside and he's standing there waiting for me.  I buzz him in.

He knocks and I get up to open the door.  My hair is a mess and I have a tear-streaked face, I can't believe I'm answering the door for him right now.  As soon as I open the door, he hugs me and the tears start to fall again.

I try to say "Why are you here? You have work in a couple of hours." but I'm not to sure he understood between the hiccups and crying.

"I knew you would be like this.  I shouldn't have left."  He whispers in my ear as he's hugging me.  "Besides, it's a video conference.  So I brought my laptop so I can do the meeting here and I'll spend the rest of the day with you."

I look at him and think "What did I do to deserve such a good man?"  Instead I say, "You can't just not go to work because of me.  You have a job to do. I don't even know why you came.  I said I would be fine.  You never listen to me."  He looks surprised.  To be fair I'm surprised I said that, maybe something is eating at me.

"Actually I can do what I want, I do not answer to you.  Plus I have 3 weeks of PTO accrued.  I could have cancelled my meeting too but I didn't because it was a headache to find a time that worked for all of us.  And you do know why I came, you're a wreck and you can't deny it.  So I am choosing to be with you tomorrow, whether you like it or not."  He says calmly.

Tears start to fall again and he wipes them away with his thumbs.  I manage to say "I'm sorry, thanks for coming."

"I know." he says "Now, it's late, let's go to bed."

We lay down and I cuddle up against him and within minutes I fall asleep.