Huge Thanks

I still consider myself new in the whole blogging world, even though I started a couple months ago.  The other day, I noticed a huge surge in views, and I was a little surprised.  I did some digging around and realized My Bottom Smarts mentioned my blog on hers.  So I just wanted to say thanks!  Sometimes, well most of the time, I don't know where I'm heading with all of this but it makes me happy to see support.

Come Clean

He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Babe, we're going to be late for the surprise."

I open the door with my make up done.

"Crap, what time is it?" I reply.

"9:40"

I knew I should have cut my bath short.  Well, I'm almost done, so we'll just make it in time.  If I don't, M is just going to have to forgive me.

As I come out of the bathroom and walk into the bedroom.  He kisses me and gives me the look and I know what he's thinking.

I stop him and start to put on my dress and I say, "Don't even think about it. We'll make it just in time if we leave now.  So help me zip my dress." He pouts but zips up my dress and I say thank you.  We walk out the door and get into a cab and we get to the club within 10 minutes.

I told M's boyfriend, D, to bring her around 10 and that we have the VIP section for the night. God, I hope she's surprised because I know she'll love it.

I get a text from D 15 minutes later saying. "We're here." So I get let everyone know she's coming. 2 minutes later, we all yell "SURPRISE" and I know she's is and I am so happy everything worked out.

As always, M and I start the night off with a tequila shot and order our poison of choice, vodka Red Bull.  We grab our drinks and start dancing.

5 shots and 4 vodka Red Bulls later,  M and I end up outside for some fresh air.  Neither of us smoke regularly anymore but we both want cigarettes, so we walk around the corner to get a pack.

As I'm halfway through my second cigarette, he walks out with D and sees us smoking.

I lean in to kiss him and he stops me.  I frown at him and continue smoking.  After I finish, M and I head back inside and get a couple more drinks and continue dancing.

Cold Vacation.

Posts have been very few and far between but I'll try to work on that, I guess.

I spent some time in Canada.  I have to say, very cold up there like I literally wore 3 pairs of socks and my feet were still cold, cold.  And I seriously don't like the cold.  Lo and behold, I came back with a cold. I'm finally getting over that cold.  I'm actually just getting over the cold and I'm thanking God that it didn't last that long.  But on Tuesday when I had the brunt of it, all I wanted was a warm body to lay on.  I don't even know how to explain that without sounding like a total freak.

So moving on...

The few days that I did spend up there were needed and appreciated.  As much as I hated the cold, I wouldn't mind being back.  Everything is so much more simple when I'm there.

Currently Unattached.

Every time I have been asked about what I want, I freeze.  Even if I knew what I wanted, I've never been good at asking for what I want.  Even if it's a simple question like "What do you want for your birthday?"

I now know what I want and I'm more than willing to ask for what I want.  I'm not with anyone right now, meaning in a relationship.  I've recently realized that I want to be with someone, particularly in a long term relationship. (I can't believe I just said that.)  I consider myself independent.  I am more than capable of making my own decisions.  But you're asking where spanking come into play, right?  There's this minuscule part of me that just wants to be told what to do, and when to do it.  Well, really for the less important decision of my life.  God, I sound like a contradiction.

I've come up with 5 general things that I'm looking for.

1. Respect: I may be sassy. I may disagree with you. But I'll respect you.  I ask for the same.
2. Trustworthy: I'm trusting you with my safety, please respect my limits.
3. Consistent: Always follow through please.  I can't say I'll always be well-behaved, but isn't this the reason we both agreed to this? (:
4. Honesty: The truth is easy.  Lying may be easier, but getting caught up in a lie never works out for the better.
5. Time: Life happens.  Wake up and good night texts everyday, unnecessary.  Seeing you everyday, probably impossible.  But seeing you once a month, with a text not even once a week, unacceptable. Let's compromise somewhere in between please.

For This

A while back I came across Jane Lynch's commencement speech to the Smith College class of 2012 on youtube.  It was a 22 minutes long and in the middle of it I was wondering why I was even watching it.  But towards the end of the speech this is what she had to say:

“Whoever you choose, your husband, wife or partner, will make you see more about yourself than any navel gazing in solitude could ever reveal. And if the process isn’t completely horrifying and frustrating, then you’re not doing it right. This will be your most vulnerable place.

I put it off until I was almost 50. Your partner will inevitably see your soft underbelly. Shocking behavior you only read about will start to become your own. Your demon will rise up to righteously destroy your relationship in the guise of saving yourself from really seeing yourself. Your partner will say to you with all the tenderness that situation allows, “What the fuck?” You’ll want to break up with yourself.

Don’t be afraid of this horrible version of you! Face it, embrace it, coddle it, write it a poem, maybe it needs a hug. Shine the light of day on it. Unclaimed and unacknowledged, it’s got the power and its darkest forces will have you enslaved! Accept its influence, mine it for its gold. Yep, sometimes saying “YES AND” is going to take everything you’ve got. But the payoff, trusting in love, is just incredible.”

I'm very much okay being single, but there's a part of me that really wants this.  There's also a list of my standards, not many to be fair... just 2 actually: stable employment and decent man. I just don't want to have to deal with rejection.  Lately, my life has been full of rejection and I just don't think adding this is going to help me.  I always thought this would be easier when I got here.