Late Night.

It's midnight and he just left and I miss him.  He has to get up early for a business meeting tomorrow.  I told him to go home, so he wouldn't get stuck in the awful traffic into the city in the morning.  I wish he didn't have such a early meeting, I'm not working tomorrow and I want to just snuggle with him.

I think back on tonight and it was great.

He came over with Thai and we ate.  After we turned the tv on and we sat on the couch.  I got sucked into the tv and time came for the commercials, I turned to him and he was just looking at me.

I furrow my eyebrows and say "What?"
"Nothing, you're beautiful." He says, and I blush.
He leans in to kiss me and I let him.  At the same time he turns the tv off.
"Very smooth, sir."
"Sir?" He says, sounding surprised. 
"Yes, Sir."
"Oh, you want to play?"
I smirked and he knew my answer. 

I know I told him that I'm fine and he should go home, he was wary and gave me that I-don't-believe-you look.  But he went because I practically pushed him out the door.  And now, I'm feeling very lonely and vulnerable.  Maybe I'll call him...

As I pick up my phone to call him, he calls me.

I answer, "Hey."

"Hey.  I just got home.  I wanted to let you know and I wanted to know if you're okay.  How are you right now?" He says, sounding concerned.

"I'm okay." I give a short reply.

"Hmm, babe, are you telling me what I want to hear or how you really feel?"  He questions my reply.

I sigh. "I'm telling you what you want to hear, okay? I was okay when you left and I didn't want you to drive so early tomorrow to beat the traffic.  I thought I'd be fine.  But I really would like to be cuddling with you... I'm coming down hard.  I just needed to hear your voice and I was about to call when you did.  Since I talked to you, I'll be fine." I say as tear well up in my eyes.

"No, it's not okay.  You're upset.  I hear it in your voice.  Which means you're not fine.  I shouldn't have left after that long session."  He says.

As I hold back my tears, I manage to say. "I am, but I'll be okay.  It's late and you have to get up early. I'm gunna go.  G'night."

He barely gets in a good night, and I hang up.  A second later the waterworks start.  I lay on my bed and form a circle of pillows around me, burying my face into a pillow.  A while later, as my tears and sobs subside, my phone vibrates.

It takes me a couple minutes but I open my text and it's from him. "I'm outside.  Buzz me in."  I'm dazed and confused.  I can't be reading this right.  It's 2 in the morning, he can't be standing outside right now.  I stand up and look outside and he's standing there waiting for me.  I buzz him in.

He knocks and I get up to open the door.  My hair is a mess and I have a tear-streaked face, I can't believe I'm answering the door for him right now.  As soon as I open the door, he hugs me and the tears start to fall again.

I try to say "Why are you here? You have work in a couple of hours." but I'm not to sure he understood between the hiccups and crying.

"I knew you would be like this.  I shouldn't have left."  He whispers in my ear as he's hugging me.  "Besides, it's a video conference.  So I brought my laptop so I can do the meeting here and I'll spend the rest of the day with you."

I look at him and think "What did I do to deserve such a good man?"  Instead I say, "You can't just not go to work because of me.  You have a job to do. I don't even know why you came.  I said I would be fine.  You never listen to me."  He looks surprised.  To be fair I'm surprised I said that, maybe something is eating at me.

"Actually I can do what I want, I do not answer to you.  Plus I have 3 weeks of PTO accrued.  I could have cancelled my meeting too but I didn't because it was a headache to find a time that worked for all of us.  And you do know why I came, you're a wreck and you can't deny it.  So I am choosing to be with you tomorrow, whether you like it or not."  He says calmly.

Tears start to fall again and he wipes them away with his thumbs.  I manage to say "I'm sorry, thanks for coming."

"I know." he says "Now, it's late, let's go to bed."

We lay down and I cuddle up against him and within minutes I fall asleep.

So Sore.

I have to say, the only time I've been this sore is my freshman year in high school after my first ski trip.  It was the first and only time I skied.  My legs were so sore I didn't want to sit down, even to pee.  That's exactly how I feel right now.  I laid in bed today until 2pm.  And when I got up, oh my dear Lord, it was a struggle.  I had to pee, and sitting down on the toilet was a struggle.  Every time I sit it's a struggle.

The reason for my soreness, my personal trainer. HA.  Yes, I voluntarily did this yesterday.  And I even went to the gym today.  It's like unheard of for me.  My sessions are working for me.  I think I'm going to get some more. (:

Wide Awake.

I came clean to my best friend, M.  Well not really came clean but I talked to her about B.

All the other stuff is just to personal for me to talk about.  I mean she won't judge me, but I can't bring myself to talk about it with her.  Not yet at least.  I'll probably get there, eventually.

I told her that I meet B online, which I did.  I told her how old he is, 11 years my senior.  That I've been to his place.  How I felt uncomfortable because he paid for my meals even though I know I can pay for myself.  I might have been a couple drinks deep when I initiated conversation with M but she is my best friend and I need her on board.  Well at least that I'm talking to/seeing B.

She had a couple questions and I answered them honestly.  She did say that I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to, but she's my best friend I can't not answer her questions. I don't know how much she'll remember in the morning because we were having this conversation at 3 am in front of a McDonald's in the city then again at 5:30am.  But I said we would talk about it over breakfast in the morning.

I can't grasp how she took all of it though.  I asked her a couple times and she said that she was happy for me.  And that she just wants me to be happy.  But I can't help but feel that she's holding something back.  To top it off, I feel kind of really guilty that I didn't tell her sooner.  It's been about 6 weeks since I've first talked to him and I've meet with B for the first time about a month ago. Argh, it's all a huge mind fuck right now.  I can't even seem to fall asleep.  I guess I'll wait a couple hours and see where our conversation goes.

Personal Trainer.

I've been a member at my gym for 6 months now.  Lately, due to my lack of motivation, I've only been going like once a week.  So, I've been thinking of getting a personal trainer because I do want to lose some weight and get in better shape.

After seeing B last Saturday, I decided on getting personal trainer.  My gym offers them in sessions so I bought 3 sessions, you know to try it out.

I had my first session today at noon.  Before I went this morning, I was clearly having issues.  I woke up startled at 7:19 this morning thinking I missed my session.  Clearly I have nightmares about missing appointments aka I have issues.

Anyway, the session was 50 minutes.  My trainer isn't crazy into working out, thank God.  He did have toe shoes on and that made me like him infinitely more because not many people like toe shoes and I love them. Plus I was wearing them because they're awesome.  I digress.

By the last rep on one of the weight machines, I thought I was dying a little.  My arms were literally shaking.  I'm so pathetic.  Plus I have no upper body strength, which really doesn't help.  We finished with stretches and I scheduled my next appointment for Monday.

Maybe something good is coming out of all of this.  Who would've thought? (;

Defying Him.

Ugh, I think I'm going to be late. I hope that I'm not because I was late last time and he said that there was going to be consequences the next time I am late.  I look at my watch and I have 10 minutes to get to his place. I'm not going to make it.  I can't even text him because my phone died and I don't have my car charger with me.

I drive fast, way over the speed limit and I make it to his house in record time. 15 minutes.  But it's street cleaning day and I can't find a damn parking space.  I search for 10 minutes and I find one down the block.

I ring his bell and he buzzes me in.  I walk up the 3 flights of stairs to his apartment and knock.  He yells "It's open."

I go inside.  He's sitting on the couch, watching tv.  As I go to sit next to him, I say "Babe, I'm so sorry I'm late. I got caught up reading and I left late.  I meant to text you but I didn't charge my phone last night and it died."

"Hmm, excuses excuses." He replies.

"They're not excuses.  I just wanted to let you know what happened." I say in return.

As he stands up, he says "Right."  I can't tell if he's upset with me.  Then he asks as he walks over to the kitchen "Do you want spaghetti or penne with your chicken parm?"

I respond, "Penne, please. I'm starving.  It smells so good.  Thanks for cooking." and I give him a sheepish smile.

"Did you eat today?"  He asks.  And suddenly I freeze because I know he's not going to be happy with my answer.

"Yes, I did eat."

"Hmm, can I ask what you ate today?" He questions me.

I want to say no, but I know better.  "Well, I got up late so I had a banana, and a couple hours later I had a couple bites of ice cream.  Oh and I drank some water and Powerade...I wanted to eat with you and not ruin my appetite..."

"None of that counts as actually eating.  Well, the banana counts.  But it is 6pm and you've eaten practically nothing.  I've asked you several times to eat better." He sighs and sounds disappointed.

"I know. It's just that I woke up late today. I swear."  I quietly whisper.

"So you're giving me more excuses.  First it's excuses about your tardiness and now it's about your eating.  And to top it off, I've spoken to you several times about both and you said you would correct your behavior."

There's a lump in my throat because I know he's disappointed in me.  The lateness I take full responsibility of but the eating, sometimes I can't help it.  I guess I should tell him that.  "Babe, I take full responsibility for being late and I apologize for making excuses about both."

"After we finish eating, you're going to stand in the corner of my bedroom and wait for me to clean up."

I have no choice but to agree.  So I nod.  We eat dinner in silence.  I'm not hungry anymore, but I know that I have to eat, so I finish.  I stand up and I walk to his bedroom and stand in the corner.

15 minutes later, even though it felt like an eternity, he comes in and tells me to come to him by the bed.  I obey and he bares my bottom and pulls over his lap and I see the dreaded hairbrush on his nightstand.  I cringe at the thought of it.  I hate the brush.  Before he starts, or even says a word, I have tears running down my face.