Only One.

My pride gets in the way of seeing him. There are two things he wants me to do if I see him. The first is hard, the second is to beg.  You'd think after being his sub and all, it would be easy to beg for something like that. I told him it makes me feel like an idiot. But if anyone can make me do something I don't want to do without forcing me to, it's him. So I beg, get desperate, and he soaks it up and makes time for me. From how crazy I get over not seeing him, you'd think I'd learn my lesson.

It'll be 2 years at the end of this summer. That's a really long time for me. Our relationship is non-monogamous.  The other day I started wondering if he had another submissive under his wing. It's not against anything we've talked about, I just never really thought about it or bothered to ask him about it. But I did today. And his response was some of the girls he sees are submissive but not his submissive. And the age old question, "Why?" I said I was just wondering, but I was a little surprised because I honestly thought he would have someone else.

Writing Again.

I haven't written in a very long time.
I've been lazy.
I'll be back writing again very soon, promise. (:

My Way.

I'm in one of those moods where I want absolutely my way. I want domination and submission my way.  I want to be spanked, but just for the time, amount, and implement of my choosing.  I am no means a brat, but I really want everything out of my control to be in my control.  To be able to stop time and take the time I need to regroup.

It's early in the morning and I barely slept after working a double yesterday because of New Year's Day family fun-ness. All I want is a strong hand around my neck, slowly tightening, to really lose the idea of being in control in every way possible.

I had a good cry before.  I went through a flurry of feelings, really unexplainable to anyone.  I think I just feel invalidated and it's making me go a little coo-coo.

Feeling Needy.

It's been a long time, a really long time.  He's was away, halfway across the country away and halfway across the world away, and I've been at home trying to keep peace with my life.  He's back but he's busy, which I found out yesterday.  I asked him if he was free sometime this week and he told me he wouldn't be at home for about a week and a half.  And I pouted a little.  I don't think I can even call it bratting.  As soon as I responded, I felt silly and stupid, which I told him.  He tells me to always speak freely.  So I told him, I hate being/feeling needy.  I honestly do, and in every other normally circumstance I would've just bit my tongue and waited out the couple days for it to pass.  His response "you feel it, it's there, might as well share."  I almost wish he would've just said "suck it up next time." but I think that's my jadedness talking.

But back to the real story, I'm feeling needy.  I feel like things aren't going right.  I know things aren't bad, they're actually fine.  It's my feelings that are taking flight and it's making me feel real uneasy.

Dark blues.

I'm going through some rough times.  Nothing insane, just a lot of internal, personal things.  It doesn't help that I feel like I don't have much support as I try to work through all of it.  I want to laugh and smile.   And this is why I love my dominant.  I asked for our next thing to be something fun, something that will have me laugh and smile.  And in his fashion, his response was "sure. :)" No other questions, exactly what I needed.  I'm sure he'll push it out of me.

As things get personal with our relationship, it gets harder and harder for me to write about them.  Which is why I haven't been writing as much.  As intense as it was in the beginning, it's just the same now if not more. But I am more invested.  I feel like I have more to lose.